5 years

today i met with dr susan winchester. the most amazing breast surgeon ever. when she gave me and the kids my cancer diagnosis 5 years ago, she prayed with us. we knew the day before that i had cancer. she had told the lab to make sure they tested my biopsy before they left, and made an appointment with us to meet the next day. misty and i knew then that the news wasn't going to be good. as the kids and i left the office the following day, we actually laughed, who was going to call everyone. we wanted sasha to send a mass text message so we wouldn't actually have to talk to anyone.
5 years. they have flown by. i have one more appointment with my oncologist and i am finished. what a journey it has been.

i actually found my lump 5 years ago this month. a coworker had announced she had cancer. it made me diligent in doing my self exam. that is when i found it. right there, as big as my thumb. i had always known that i would get breast cancer someday, that day, i knew was here. it took forever for may 12th to get here. that day they took it all out. then there was chemo, shaving of the heads, learning of my ex husbands long term affair, forgiveness, radiation, pneumonia, spinal surgery, cataract surgery, more forgiveness, sinus surgery, knee surgery, more sinus surgery, immunoglobulin infusions every month, now every two months and finally we are here.

5 years. in that time i have had the pleasure of getting a son-in-law, daughter-in-law, and received the wonderful opportunity to become a grandmother to a wonderful little girl. she will be 2 in may. the only prayer i had that day 5 yrs ago was "lord please let me live long enough to meet my grandchild". not only did he answer that prayer, but so much more. i have been healed, been forgiven, have forgiven, been blessed with a granddaughter, been healed again...my heart. over and over again, god has shown me who he is and how much he loves me.

flashback: feb 2005- i actually shot guns, the kind i wouldn't allow my kids to have the toy versions of. all kinds of guns. i wanted to face my fears and my friends from work thought they would help me out. you know, the kind of guns with bullets, the ones that leave bruises on your shoulder. on the way home, god called me back to his church. 2 months later i had cancer. wow, his timing is awesome. cancer all over my body is what they told me, god had other plans. breast cancer it was, that's all it was.

my cancer journey is almost over, my new normal has emerged, i am here today because of his mercy and grace. april 22nd is my 5 year mark. who knew how wonderful getting cancer could be. don't get me wrong, it really sucked, chemo, radiation and all of the darkness. but the light that came afterward somehow changed the darkness to a beautiful sunrise.
now for the next season of my life! can't wait to see what happens. i feel like scarlett...tomorrow is another day!

confession

this has been a soapbox week. me, my soapbox, and a bunch of hot air, mostly at work. i usually take up for the under guy, the loser, the one no one thinks about. better yet, i argue sometimes for the sake of arguing. again, a bunch of hot air. most of the time i talk too much and do not listen enough.
ok...i know i am talking now, but somehow it is different. this time i am apologizing for not acknowledging a letter someone sent me. we grew up together, her and her sister, me and mine. our parents were friends and we would go on family vacations together, go out eat every sunday night after church. our parents still meet twice a week for breakfast and dinner. she wrote me a letter, making an effort to rekindle a friendship that was long lost because of circumstance and distance, reminiscing about old times. she has had a rough time in life and was reaching out to me. she has put most of her life back together, but i totally blew it. after everything god has done for me, and i totally forgot about her and misplaced the letter. she actually wrote it out by hand, no email, no handheld communication device, no computer, but by her own hand. no one does that anymore, it takes too much time. i have searched for the letter and found it, and i am going to answer her letter and take the time write it on paper, she deserves that. i hope that is isn't too late and i can make amends for what i have done.

so, i am going to try and stay off my soapbox, stop my arguing for the sake of arguing and try to listen more. actually listen without trying to think of what my next words might be. how many times have i missed an opportunity to proclaim my love for christ, and all he has done for me because i wasn't listening. i didn't hear the cry, the need, the broken heart or the pain. i hope that my need to make noise won't keep me from listening. really listening

jeannie, i totally forgot we went to disneyland together on grad night. i am answering your letter. sorry for the delay. please forgive me.

are you kidding me?

6 carat blue diamond ring auctioned off in new york, estimated sale price? 6 million dollars. a ring for 6 million.
there is something seriously wrong when the price of a small ring could give lifesaving surgery to small children with disease whose parents don't have insurance. children that are going to die, leave this earth because of money their parents don't have. i don't get it. what is inside people that have to have "things"? ridiculous things. THINGS people. what has happened to us as a society, that these things are more important than integrity, more important than taking care of your neighbors needs. we give millions to noteworthy causes, but what about those who are hurting that live right next door? i don't even know my neighbors. don't get me wrong, people work hard for their money and lifestyle, but the message they send when these "things" become more important than "him" is so damaging to his message. can't you hear the family that can hardly afford food, living in their car, wondering why "that" family with all the "things" won't even acknowledge they exist. they must wonder how god could shower "things" on others, when their circumstance has taken everything. how do we justify all the extras when there are so many that don't have the basics?
as frustrating as this is for me, i am guilty too. i have this big house, and i live alone in it. somewhere there is someone who needs a place to stay. i need to find that person, that mother and child, that broken heart that has no place to go and feels like they are among the unloved. dreams can come true, and my dream is to give someone the love and caring they need to get back on their feet.
i so want to be that person.
what i could do with a 6 carat blue diamond.