so tired

i spent the day friday with a camera capsule floating through my intestines. real science fiction stuff, trying to find out why my body is anemic. saturday i spent asleep. today i needed to get a few things at the store. by the time i had made it to the check out i could hardly breathe or stand without leaning on the buggy. the rest of today i spent putting the groceries away and sleeping. i am so tired, tired of being tired and tired of all the testing. but mostly i am tired of not being able to be me. i don't know this person i have become. not feeling like baking cookies or working on a blanket is not me at all. tomorrow morning i will get up and go to work again. next weekend, i will sleep away again.

i am finishing up reading job. 42:2 says "i know that you can do all things, no plan of yours can be thwarted." so who am i to question what god has planned for me? i swallowed a camera didn't i!

precious time

i have been spending 4 afternoons a week with caroline for a couple of hours each day. i have been thinking of how much i look forward to each day. the little things she does, laughing, playing, singing, picking flowers, swinging and eating popsicles, and i get to do all of them with her. all she wants from me is time, and my attention. the sound of her laughter as she runs through the house is food for my soul. today i started thinking of the joy we have together, and how much i anxiously await her arrival each day. then i started thinking of how much time i spend with god. how he must wait anxiously for me to arrive to spend a little time with him. most of the time i am in a hurry and need to take care of something else. i spend time each morning in the bible and prayer time. a little time. not much, considering how many hours in the day. we talk on and off all day long, but no real dedication of time or attention to just him. ok, i just read that part and am feeling really guilty. i know better. just as i await for caroline to get here so we can have time together, he awaits for me to acknowledge him, give him attention, and my time. but he loves me in spite of myself. regardless of how much time i spend with him. but my desire is to please him, to worship him and to be in relationship with him....all the time. i need to find all the time, not just some of the time. time to work on this relationship again.

"hey god, got a minute? i need to talk"

crazy week

what a week. work at a standstill, layoffs abound, exhausted most days, a loving friend in need, and an amazing granddaughter that balances everything out. it is amazing how god takes us out of our own pity party to love on a friend, to grieve the loss of a fellow employee who lost their job, to smile at a song, and to laugh at a 2 1/2 yr old. god bless my friends in need, and give me the energy to run after the most amazing woman god has in the works. what a great day to be alive!