what a difference a year makes

ok folks, here it is. my before picture. it has been almost a year since that picture was taken. not only was my body a mess, my spirit was broken. i was unhappy, depressed, in pain constantly and couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror. i was so ashamed of who i had become and of my inner self for letting me become this person.

 

i know i posted this picture last week, but it is worth posting again. i am 85 pounds less and happier than i have ever been. i am no longer in pain. i can climb stairs, play in the floor, build sand castles, get up out of a chair and walk for hours. i can look in the mirror and say to myself "good morning self, you are a beautiful and wonderful woman" with no doubt and no shame of whom i have become.

i have worked hard to get where i am today and will continue to work until i reach my goal of 100 pounds. i have not done this alone though. god was with me all the way. the dieting, the pain from surgery and rehab, and the complete healing of body and soul, it was only by his grace that i could do this. only by his grace that i will continue to do this, to live again. i was so dead inside of my depression, i knew how to crawl out but i needed his pushing and pulling, and finally giving in to his grace and forgivenss, i found myself again.

psalms 145

1 I will extol you, my God and King, and bless your name forever and ever.

2 Every day I will bless you and praise your name forever and ever.

3 Great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable.

4 One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts.

5 On the glorious splendor of your majesty, and on your wondrous works, I will meditate.

6 They shall speak of the might of your awesome deeds, and I will declare your greatness.

7 They shall pour forth the fame of your abundant goodness and shall sing aloud of your righteousness.

8 The LORD is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

9 The LORD is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.

 

his mercy is over all that he has made....and he has made me. i know that even when i didn't love myself, he loved me anyway. today, i sing his praises and give him all the glory, for healing my spirit and showering me with his mercy.

through the eyes of a child

remember when we were young? when we thought grown ups were so smart? when we believed everything they told us? when faith in others was always there? then we grew older and we started to see that grown ups didn't know everything. that they had their doubts, that our grandparents were only people just like us? that the world was a place to be explored and questioned? remember when we thought we had all the answers, only to find out that we didn't know anything? when we had kids of our own? and really didn't know anything? that this perfect little human being was all your responsibility and nothing you did would matter more? and then..... all of a sudden they were grown and you were older, really older. they had kids of their own, and all of a sudden i am the grandparent....wow, how did that happen? really, how did that happen? my kids are having kids of their own. i am a grandma! how did i not know that this time in my life could be so great? so enlightening? so awesome? i have found out as i got older the less and less i knew. i found out that a little girl and all of her why's and what's could make me think i knew nothing at all. why is it raining grandma? why does it thunder and lightning grandma? why isn't it thunder and lightning grandma? why are there clouds in the sky grandma? why does the moon shine grandma? where do the stars come from grandma? why do the birds sing grandma? you get the hint, i know nothing! how did i get to be 53 yrs old and not know any of these answers? because they have never been important before. but to a 4 yr old they are valid questions. none of which i have the answers to. all i have is "i don't know sweetie". i am sure that someday she will know all the answers to all her questions. the only thing i know is that i love her, and that she knows that i love her and she will remain the world to me. someday she will learn that i really didn't know everything and neither did her parents. the only thing we all know for sure was that we love her dearly. and that love would continue until the end of time. so for you sweet, sweet girl, i love you and know that someday you will find out that, that is the only thing i knew for sure. it is up to you sweet caroline to find out the answers to the universe, and why grandma loves you so much! for only one has loved me like you have, only god in heaven!

is this heaven?

i have spent the last few days at the beach, the pool, walking, swimming, sitting on the floor playing pop the pig, fishing, watching, listening, laughing, singing, making sand castles, splashing in the ocean, driving the cart like a crazy driver down the aisle at the grocery store.... all with caroline by my side and without pain! sasha and bobbie have given me the pleasure of joining them on their last vacation before the baby comes.

this little brave girl rode a zipline high above the ground without hesitation. oh to have the faith of a child. there have been times in my life when i had no faith left and was far from brave. during those times i felt far away from god. looking back i realize i couldn't see him because he was behind me, lifting me up so i would not crash to the ground, kind of like falling from a zipline. i hear people say that god will never give you more than you can handle, i think he does give us more in order to show how much we need him by our side to help us through the rough times. to carry us when we can no longer walk on our own.

i also think that there are seasons in our life when he gives us so much joy, happiness, fulfills dreams and gives us so much love we can hardly take it in. that is where my heart is today, overflowing with so much i can't hold it in. the beauty i see outside my window here could only have come from his careful planning. the sounds of the birds, crickets and frogs are overwhelming, talking to each other i imagine, maybe listening to me and caroline talk and laugh as we play a game of pop the pig. the honeysuckles and flowers give off an amazing cleansing aroma that fills my senses. the stars at night are so bright and numerous, you know that only he could have placed each one there.

look at her! throwing sand back into the sea. laughing and running around, feeling that all is right in her world! she is so loved. i have watched bobbie and sasha interact with her like parents should. sometimes i tend to be the overly protective grandma...well maybe more than sometime... saying be careful more than i need to, and i have been lovingly told so by my son! they are good parents, good kids and will do the same for the precious baby boy bobbie is carrying.

i have had so much pain in my life, physically, mentally, emotionaly and spiritualy, but right now it is only the sting of the sun on my skin that gives me a little pain. my body, my heart, my mind and my spirit are all in the same place...full of joy! the kind of joy you dream about having, the kind that makes your heart sing, makes it feel like your feet aren't touching the ground.

 

the beauty in this picture could only have been painted by god, (and maybe a little photo shop!). he puts everything in exactly the right place. we may not always think that what is going on in our lives is where we are supposed to be, but is is exactly where he wants us to be. so for a few more days, i will be in what i can only call a glimpse of what heaven will be like! my joy has come in the morning for just a few days, and when i go back the the real world, i will always fondly remember and smile when i think about this week. i will be preparing my heart for the two grandsons i will welcome into my world this summer. thank you lord for a little heaven on earth!

 

blessings

this week i have had an overwhelming joy come over me.
i am so thankful for so many things, and i have been so blessed in my life.
i thought i would share as many as i could think of. so, here we go:
*blood that was shed for me
*forgiveness
*grace
*mercy
*joy
*a relationship with god
*healing of my heart
*healing of my body
*my mom and dad who taught me so much and who made it a
  point to spend time with and develop a relationship with my kids
*my grandparents who loved me and prayed for me daily
*my sister and the new relationship we have
*my daughter
*my son
*the fact that they have both made their mama proud
*the other fact that they both live less than 1/2 mile from me
*their wonderful spouses
*my sweet caroline
*she deserves a second mention...
*the two grandsons that will come this summer
*again, the two more grandkids coming this summer
*a church family, who even though we no longer meet,
  still remain in my heart
*an ex husband and his wife whom i remain friends with
*my new knee
*my feet hitting the floor this morning
*owning my own home
*air conditioning
*food to eat
*christmas baking
*a job to go to
*awesome health insurance
*the miracles of modern medicine
*a dependable car
*vacation at the beach
*friends
*yes, even facebook friends that i have reconnected with


all of these blessings and so much more i have to be thankful for.
with mothers day coming up, i can't think of anything i could possible want from anyone.
i did the best i could with what i knew as a mom. i had a great teacher in my mom.
sometimes i didn't do my best, but for the grace of god, my kids continue to be a blessing.
so for new moms, old moms and moms yet to be, celebrate all of your blessings this week!