my mornings

                                                                    edgar the egret

 every morning i come out back to water my plants and to meditate, pray and see all that i am so blessed with. i pray that i may never become content with everything i have. that each new day will bring a sense of joy and gratitude. listening to the birds with a gentle wind this cool morning, teasing of fall. serenity and peace fill my mind and soul. i've been sober now for almost 6 years, but i know that today is all i have. today i choose love. loved by God, family and friends i am most blessed. 

my home!

 love, life on the lake and my most precious sobriety

this is our home! it is where i find peace and serenity. 

this is where i find love and acceptance.

this is where i find the beauty in nature i have never noticed before.

my backyard 

my side yard 

where the love of my life catches dinner

the last year has been such a growth period for me. to find love for the second time at such an older age is the dream i never thought to have. the past almost 6 years has been a period of growth for me. i never had too much trouble in quitting drinking for a small period of time. when i did drink, i made sure i was going to get blackout drunk. i needed to escape physical, emotional and mental pain. drinking to oblivion was the answer. november 2017, my parents and sister had a come to Jesus meeting with me. it was the first time i didn't say" ya but" and said "you're right" instead. i knew they were right. when i got home after that trip, i decided to go to an aa meeting. the first person who greeted me is now my husband. i went to meetings, i worked the steps sometimes painfully. i listed all my resentments, fears and so much more. they i gave them all to God. when i told my sponsor my story, it was like the previous 50+ years was lifted from my being. only leaving a new purpose, to live life on life's terms. 

today my husband and i are living our best lives. when we got out of our own way to happiness, we discovered life was so much more. together over the las year we have made a home in a rented house on a cattle farm on the river. life is good. 

serenity

I love my life! Finding new love when I am older is something I never thought would happen to me. To live here on this land is just an added gift. Don’t ever give up hope, dreams and desire. One day when the door opens have the courage to take a chance on something different. Stop standing in the way of your ever after happiness! Right now I think I’ll go sit in my and watch Rick fish!

it’s been a minute

 i’ve changed the name of the blog, because i have changed! i am in love, living on a lake in the middle of a cattle farm, 5 years sober, trying to live everyday with god in charge. 

with days that end like this, i know i’m not in charge. I’ll be talking about my feelings, my new set of winged and four legged friends, insights, love and maybe throw some cookies in for old times. 

quarantine- day 9

i’d like to tell you i was handling this with grace and positivity. i can only tell you that i’m trying. i have slept a lot of the time away. now realizing this may go on for a couple or more months, i’ve got to change direction. reality caught up with me when my plans for baking and dropping off the cookies for my meetings had halted me and my ambitions. the meetings had been suspended until further notice. what would i do with no one to bake cookies for? no one to help out with making coffee for? cooking and making jam at jessica’s wouldn’t be happening?

i must have said the serenity prayer a thousand times during the past week. my pain level had skyrocketed without exercise, but i have been too depressed and too lazy to get my ass outside and do anything. i miss misty, jeremy and elliott.  did make apricot jam one day and have enough supplements to make a couple more batches. i am bored. i am a little fearful. i am restless. i am anxious. but i am so

grateful!

grateful 

for my family that loves me enough to keep me from leaving the house

for food to eat

for my sobriety

for coffee! oh my goodness, what would i do without coffee every day all day! i even had to order decaf to keep the caffeine lower.

for zoom and the countless aa meetings i can attend with my home group

for church service online

for the wonderful close friends i now have from the rooms that i can keep in touch with

for the huge stash of yarn in my closet

for being able to watch my son and family have a ton of family time with laughter and song

for running out of frosting in a tub

all of these things and so much more to be grateful for

Humbled and blessed

this morning I woke up at 2:45 for the third day in a row. The first two mornings in my regular, get out of bed and take a pain pill mode. But yesterday I had  Radio Frequency Ablation on my lower spine. This morning I woke up without pain in my back. A miracle. I have prayed a long time for relief of my horrible pain. I kept praying, even without all the faith I wanted have, I kept praying.  Praying for relief on this earth or in heaven. Tuesday I was filled with irrational fears. I prayed for those fears to be relieved. Wednesday afternoon when I got to my appointment, laying face down on the procedure table, my fears were released.

I pray all the time, sometimes just to connect, not always expecting anything, (not enough faith sometimes). I have a few different answers from God about my wants and desires. Yes, no, not now, we’ll see.  I may not like the answers all the time, but I know He knows what’s ahead, I don’t. I will never stop praying, He will never stop listening. For each moment of my life, I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. Going through things that someday will make me a better person, a better daughter, sister, mom, grandma and a better friend. 

This is what I can offer you today, hold onto it, write it on your heart and in your head. He wasn’t lying when he made this promise! Have a great day, I know I will!

When you pass through the waters,I will be with you;and when you pass through the rivers,they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel

Isaiah 43

The big mess called “me”

I read this story today with my sponsor out of the book “Drop the Rock”. It is written by Joe McQ about stripping away.


“I have a pretty rocking chair down in my office. When I first bought the building,someone had run off and left the chair behind. There wasn’t anything else of any value, but there was this old rocking chair. It was jus a horrible-looking mess, painted black, with one of the rungs broken out of the back of it. I decided I’d keep it, thinking maybe one of these days I  might put it together. Quite a few years went by, and it just sat in the attic. Several times some of the guys tempted me to throw it away; in fact, I’d find it around by the dumpster and I’d bring it back, saying I was going to look at it one of these days.
I finally got the old rocking chair out of the attic and into the light downstairs so I could really see it. And as I began to look at it, I saw that it was a really fine chair. I got some paint stripper and I began to strip it. I stripped all the paint away and found that it was solik oak. I took the old raggedy botton that had been covered over many, many times with different cloth and tacks, and I tore it off and threw it away. There was one broken rung and I made an identical one by bending one and putting it in there.I sanded and refinished this chair.
Finally I took it to the upholstery shop. I asked the man there how much it would  cost to put a nice white velvet bottom in it. He looked at it and said, “I’ll be glad to put it in there, but before I fix it,
I’ll offer you $350 for that chair.” That beautiful, valuable chair was always there. It was there all the time. That chair has always been beautiful since the day the furniture maker made it. And that’s the
way I am-and you are-with God’s life inside us. God made us this way-beautiful and valuable.
Like the rocking chair, over a period of years, I covered myself up with all sorts of things and made a big mess. The steps of this program have enabled me to uncover, discover, and discard. It’s a program of getting rid of the things to get down to what we want. It’s not a program of getting anything. It’s a program of getting rid of things: uncovering, discovering and discarding.”

I had spiritual experience while trying to read this through my tears. Asking God each morning for the willingness to be willing to do His will, to strip the mess down to the beautiful woman He designed me to be. Like peeling back the layers of an onion, He has shown me the change after each layer is stripped and thrown away! I am beautifully and wonderfully made and am exactly where I am suppoed to be.

The tequila part of the title and the drinking it to escape my mess, has just been the beginning of my
new journey. I drank to escape, pain and emotional pain. I wallowed in my own self pity and downed the tequila to drown out my miserable self and into oblivion. I drank to drown out the things I would hear in my head. As long as I passed out, I would feel nothing. But by morning all the guilt and self pity would come back to me. I was on a lot of medication, any of which by mixing with alcohol should have killed me.  I hated my life, myself and loathed the person I had become. I had hidden most of the drinking from my kids, but my parents watched me walk the “walk of shame” every time I visited and drank. Mom, Dad and my sister had finally had enough on my last trip of 2017. They staged an intervention and we had a “come to Jesus” meeting. For the first time in my 59 years, my response was not “yeah, but”, it was “I know, you’re right”. I could no longer find any excuses to give them. They were fearful I would be dead soon if I didn’t stop drinking. I promised them I would go to meetings and work the program. My last drink was on 11\7\17!

The first time I walked into a meeting, I was shaking and crying. A man met me on the porch and
introduced himself to me. He was to become my first true friend in my new life, I did not have any
 real friends in my alcoholism. My life was a mess, a mess I had made. I thought this program was to get me to stop drinking, but it is so much more.

I’ve been told it takes what it takes and sooner or later I will get there! More later
k

A couple years later!

Wow! It’s been awhile! I begin the new year the way the old year ended, one day at a time! Sobriety suits me! Thought about changing the name of my blog, but decided I would leave it as it’s been. Who knew the messed up view of my life wasn’t about drinking! Alcohol was only a symptom of my problem. I am a self centered, self willed, dishonest, self seeking and full of fear. Fear, the root of all my problems. I can honestly say that for this day, I really like myself. Something I couldn’t say a year ago. I have been blessed to start over in my spiritual life. To live life without expectations. Without judgement. Without ego. Without fear. With love. With tolerance. With total acceptance. I’ve learned to put my fear into faith and my faith into action. I have given people I love the right to be wrong. I am happy, joyous and free. I have thrown out the hundreds of masks I kept in my secret place. I am finally becoming the woman God meant for me to be. I will take this daily journey of living 24 hours at a time.  “After all, tomorrow is another day”  my favorite quote these days!

Long time gone! Back for how long, I don't know!

i'm feeling very nostalgic and melancholy tonight! misty turned 38 today. how did that happen? sasha made the statement that she is the same age i was when she graduated high school. that threw me for a loop. she left for college the same time renay left for texas, the same year i filed for divorce. i remember during thay time watching sash play football on friday nights. there really was "something in the air" on those nights. tonight i will wallow in my nostalgic state, maybe dream of those long ago friday nights.

it's been a while!

i haven't felt ready to write about much these last few months, but i am now, so here goes! 

i took an amazing three week trip home to california in late september! i spent more time with sheila than i have spent in over 35 years! we talked, we laughed, we shot tequila and watched tv! i watched her in her role as wife, mother, grandma, daughter and sister! I grew to know her as a person, know her desires, needs and dreams! i played bunco for the first time! we went to the county fair together, first time we went together since we were kids! we went to the beach we used to go to in high school and ate jack in the box tacos on the beach! i learned to love the heart she has for others and my heart grew! i am excited to have another opportunity to spend time with her again in a few months!

thanksgiving did not go as i had planned! the monday before, i started bleeding internally and spent the week in the hospital! they discovered a few bleeding ulcers and an intestinal infection! i was so upset, worrying so much about all the food i was supposed to prepare for thanksgiving dinner that i was going to miss. the dr told me about the ulcers, that my second hiatal hernia surgery had failed, and that i would need a more serious surgery involving cutting open my chest. i lost it, really lost it. every time my body has failed me, i never once asked why, but this was more then i could handle. i was angry and hurt at god. "hadn't i already been through enough? do i really have to go through this shit again? couldn't just once i get a break?" i sent out a call for prayer, i was really scared this time, and people prayed. rodney came by the hospital, talked with me, prayed with me and listened to all my fears. god showed up (more like i recognized he was there) and i didn't feel so alone anymore. have you ever felt that lonliness? in a room full of people? or when everyone is gone, you are physically alone and feel so lost? do you wonder if it is all worth it? do you just want to give up, or wonder if it will ever be "my" time?  things got ugly for me, real fast, but what i discovered, or remembered was, that i had never been alone. he had always been there, i had just let fear and worry park themselves next to me!  i sent them away that night, and for the most part (except maybe those little pieces i don't like to part with) i am not alone anymore. there would be people to cook thanksgiving dinner, and it would take place whether i was there or not! it was time for me to start healing my body and my spirit, and to be thankful for this hard time of discovery. i would wait until after the holidays to figure out what was next!

december was spent in the kitchen baking! we didn't do as much this year as in years past, but we did enough! it was kind of wierd not having coworkers to take goodies to, but i found plenty that i could share my gift with and felt so grateful i was able to!

unemployment has run out and my disability hearing won't be for another year!  i was a little panicked at first, but quickly remembered how my immediate needs have always been taken of, even when i couldn't figure out how. more doctor visits and testing. surgeon advised against the surgery as long as we could control symptoms with medication. one of my ulcers is still bleeding, but the biopsy came back clean! 

two months ago i was feeling lost, alone and sorry for myself. today i am celebrating the fact that my feet hit the floor this morning and the sun came out. sometimes life sucks, or so we think! the road over the hills and down through the valleys can be long and hard, maybe even a road we don't want to travel. for me, i have this one long road. i may need help getting through the difficult parts or i may put my hands up high as i fly through the easy ride, but it is my road, and i choose to continue traveling down it! there will still be days i put on my mask. i will hide behind a smiling face even when the physical pain is overwhelming.  i will hide behind "i'm fine" when i am feeling blue. i will pretend that the lonliness doesn't get to me sometimes and that in a rare moment i don't wish for a different life. 

for now though, i have these amazing grandchildren to show me the simplicity of unconditional love. the surprises behind their smiles, and the joy behind their laughter is so infectious, my heart is always moved!  

woman of my heart!

my first born!

my misty!

she was born older than most! even as a toddler she wanted to be around the adults. so afraid she might miss out on something! she was so motherly to her brother when she was very young! she always looked after him, making sure he stayed out of danger. she cleaned up after he would get sick because her mama would end up throwing up too! she was strong willed and independent, she hasn't changed much in those things!

she has an infectious smile that is always present!

her smile can melt my heart and fill it with warmth!

she is a sister, a wife, a mother and my daughter! 

this week i am spending a few days at her house. i have lived with sasha and bobbie for over a year, so this time is special for both of us! i have realized that even with that constant smile, she still needs her mom to love on her. i spend so much time loving on those that i live with that i had forgotten how much i have missed loving on her! i am so proud of the woman she has become. she is honest, loving, kind, blunt, organized and so OCD sometimes! this week i get to see her and jeremy parent elliott. i get to see them live out their daily life up close. i get to do little things around the house that she doesn't expect that brings that beautiful smile to her face, and a thank you with such a sigh of relief! i remember when my mom would do little things that meant so much to me! i think i want to start doing this once a month! loving on her and her family like i have been loving on her brother. 

as the holidays are coming upon us, let us all love on each other a little bit more. do small, meaningful things that might make their load a little lighter. and smile that smile that warms anothers heart, it just might be the best part of this season!

my heart is full

it has been three years since i sat on mistys' deck and had such a longing for caroline to have someone to play with in their backyard. today we celebrate elliotts birthday, the backyard is filled with children and laughter. family and friends are all here! little ones running around chasing each other, milo right behind, all having such a great time! the celebration of a family that continues to grow makes my heart smile. next year ashley and nick will have a little one to join us!  

god answers our prayers in so many ways! the smallest little thing can be such a huge answer! today i celebrate my family, with 3 more grandkids then i had on that day of longing! misty, sasha, jeremy, bobbie, caroline, abram, elliott and haddie jane, loves of my life!

here are some photos of mistys' backyard full of kids! caroline is no longer alone and my longing has disappeared!

dreams and poems from the past!

i turned 56 a few weeks ago! i never thought this would be my life at this age. i always thought i would be married, living in our house, with a bunch of grandkids around to spoil. i had no idea that i would be alone, without my own home, living with my son and his family.  to say i feel alone in this house seems crazy, but there are times that i long for my own place with someone to share it with!

this past week, caroline and i went through my keepsake box. and boy, did i have some flashbacks! i came across a paper i did for my pshycology class at citrus college. mike hurtado was my teacher. he looked alot like mr kotter on welcome back kotter! i wanted to be a psychiatrist or a psycologist at one point in my life. i felt i could help people in their struggle to be normal, their own normal. yet, i didn't know how to do that myself. i was young, in love and on a journey that i had no idea of where it would land me!  so, here i am, on this journey, longing to be a part of something bigger and greater than i can dream about! i also thought i could be a writer, here are some of the poems i have written, some of them a lifetime ago!

"why"

what a word

the question asked most often

yet it never seems to have an answer.

"i'm sorry"

two of the most over used words

some say i'm sorry for anything

not meaning it

"i love you"

just three words

with a thousand different meanings

caring, sharing, fighting, making up,

wondering "why" and most of all

saying you're sorry and meaning it.

"me!"

i'm born

i laugh

i cry

i'll grow up

and then i'll die!

"i'm sorry"

i'm sorry i hurt you, i didn't want to

what did do to make you stray? 

all of a sudden you were rude

and not a word passed your lips.

i tried to figure out what i did

but my mind was an empty space.

i'm sorry i hurt you, i didn't want to 

i was always so mean and heartless

yet you still hung on to your feelings.

i wanted to reach out to hold you, 

to stop the hurt i know i put into your eyes,

 but i just couldn't bring myself to it.

i'm sorry i hurt you, i didn't want to

you're really a nice person, and i like you a lot, 

but only as i would my best friend.

all i ask is for you to forgive me

and maybe we can be friends

but it is all up to you whether or we can or not

because i'll always be there waiting to say

i'm sorry i hurt you, i didn't want to!

"wow"

i see you, yet you're not there

i long to hold you, yet my arms go right through you

i want to you to hear me, yet you are deaf to my words

i need to listen to you, but you can't speak to me

what's wrong with me? what did i do wrong?

or was it something i finally did right?

all i know is what i feel

and i feel love

for you!

"your eyes"

the color of your eyes 

was taken from the sky

and the shape of your jaw

was taken from a stong rock

the softness in your voice

must have been given to you by the sparrow

and the love in your heart

was given to me while i was standing on a rock

under the deep blue sky

talking to a sparrow!

"butterfly"

butterfly landin' on my bicycle

birds are everywhere

wondering how i get along each day

with all my tieals and my cares

not seeing what's ahead of me

avoiding that in my past

waiting for every minute

just to pass me by!

i wrote all of these when i was 18. 

i was so young! yet as i read them, i can picture the woman i was then. i am so much more now! next post will be from my next trip to cali! i am going to spend 3 weeks with my family! i will post more poems i have written over the years. i may not be where i thought i would be at this stage of my life, but i am exactly where i am supposed to be!

it's a new day!

it has been a little over three weeks since i lost my job! haddie jane has been with us for the same amount of time! my heart is full of joy and love, my life is filled with laughter and love!  i am enjoying spending time at both kids houses with all the grandkids!  i have normal sleeping habits again, bed at 9, up at 6! going to the ymca for water aerobics, meeting new people and forging friendships! 

i am not sure what the future holds for me, but i am excited to see what happens next!

a little time on my soapbox now.

i am really disturbed by all the hatred and ill will going on. the killing of innocent children for whatever reason is totally unexceptable! when will the world learn that war gets them nowhere? the hatred for thousands of children for escaping violence and murder breaks my heart! when did we become a people that has no humanity? when did we become those with a heart of stone that has no empathy for their fellow man, woman or child? i am so ashamed at the "religious" people claiming to be so righteous that they can't stoop to help these in need. we should be praying for these children, not yelling hateful words at them. they are scared and alone, but the continued assault on them breaks my heart. there will always be people who take advantage of the system, but when  i look into their eyes, i can't feel anything but compassion. my ancestors came here from prussia, wanting to escape war, and here i am. we are all from a line of people that sought refuge here at one time. 

jesus loves the little children, ALL the children of the world, not just the kids born to those who think they are special! 

so i will pray! pray for the children, pray for our government, pray for our president and yes, even pray for those whose hearts have turned to stone that they might find their humanity again.

haddie jane moore

8 pounds, 13 ounces and 21.5 inches long!

she has the sweetest squeal when she cries. 

she has big eyes that light up my heart!

she has a mom and dad that will protect her and love her for who she will become.

she has a big sister and brother that already love her and pet her head like a protective sibling should.

she has a mimi, popi, grandfather and me, grandma. 

she has lots of cousins that she will grow up knowing they are there for her.

she has a granny and papa that can't wait to meet her in august when they come visit.

she has all these people that love her, yet she will give so much more to each of us! 

our hearts grew to welcome this little bundle of love into it. 

our lives will be richer for having loved her.

she has a loving god that gave her life and will give her life again.

she is

haddie jane

my granddaughter!