i haven't felt ready to write about much these last few months, but i am now, so here goes!
i took an amazing three week trip home to california in late september! i spent more time with sheila than i have spent in over 35 years! we talked, we laughed, we shot tequila and watched tv! i watched her in her role as wife, mother, grandma, daughter and sister! I grew to know her as a person, know her desires, needs and dreams! i played bunco for the first time! we went to the county fair together, first time we went together since we were kids! we went to the beach we used to go to in high school and ate jack in the box tacos on the beach! i learned to love the heart she has for others and my heart grew! i am excited to have another opportunity to spend time with her again in a few months!
thanksgiving did not go as i had planned! the monday before, i started bleeding internally and spent the week in the hospital! they discovered a few bleeding ulcers and an intestinal infection! i was so upset, worrying so much about all the food i was supposed to prepare for thanksgiving dinner that i was going to miss. the dr told me about the ulcers, that my second hiatal hernia surgery had failed, and that i would need a more serious surgery involving cutting open my chest. i lost it, really lost it. every time my body has failed me, i never once asked why, but this was more then i could handle. i was angry and hurt at god. "hadn't i already been through enough? do i really have to go through this shit again? couldn't just once i get a break?" i sent out a call for prayer, i was really scared this time, and people prayed. rodney came by the hospital, talked with me, prayed with me and listened to all my fears. god showed up (more like i recognized he was there) and i didn't feel so alone anymore. have you ever felt that lonliness? in a room full of people? or when everyone is gone, you are physically alone and feel so lost? do you wonder if it is all worth it? do you just want to give up, or wonder if it will ever be "my" time? things got ugly for me, real fast, but what i discovered, or remembered was, that i had never been alone. he had always been there, i had just let fear and worry park themselves next to me! i sent them away that night, and for the most part (except maybe those little pieces i don't like to part with) i am not alone anymore. there would be people to cook thanksgiving dinner, and it would take place whether i was there or not! it was time for me to start healing my body and my spirit, and to be thankful for this hard time of discovery. i would wait until after the holidays to figure out what was next!
december was spent in the kitchen baking! we didn't do as much this year as in years past, but we did enough! it was kind of wierd not having coworkers to take goodies to, but i found plenty that i could share my gift with and felt so grateful i was able to!
unemployment has run out and my disability hearing won't be for another year! i was a little panicked at first, but quickly remembered how my immediate needs have always been taken of, even when i couldn't figure out how. more doctor visits and testing. surgeon advised against the surgery as long as we could control symptoms with medication. one of my ulcers is still bleeding, but the biopsy came back clean!
two months ago i was feeling lost, alone and sorry for myself. today i am celebrating the fact that my feet hit the floor this morning and the sun came out. sometimes life sucks, or so we think! the road over the hills and down through the valleys can be long and hard, maybe even a road we don't want to travel. for me, i have this one long road. i may need help getting through the difficult parts or i may put my hands up high as i fly through the easy ride, but it is my road, and i choose to continue traveling down it! there will still be days i put on my mask. i will hide behind a smiling face even when the physical pain is overwhelming. i will hide behind "i'm fine" when i am feeling blue. i will pretend that the lonliness doesn't get to me sometimes and that in a rare moment i don't wish for a different life.
for now though, i have these amazing grandchildren to show me the simplicity of unconditional love. the surprises behind their smiles, and the joy behind their laughter is so infectious, my heart is always moved!
