holding back

i thought i was there. everything out in the open with god. oops, what a mistake....thinking. after 5 months, i feel almost normal. drs discovered the problem with my anemia, iv with iron every once in awhile. my body just doesn't absorb iron. but more than that, a discovery that i was holding onto anger and resentment. last week, every morning as i drove to work, i saw someone else when i tried to see god. no, not you renay. every single day. i argued, fought, and downright didn't want to go there. so much pain involved, so much anger and resentment. but i remembered a story i heard from my pastor. holding back...could prevent me from being me with a relationship with god, from being who i am supposed to be in christ. so, i finally gave in, and last weekend i confronted my demons, and the person who was preventing me from being free in christ. how could i expect to be forgiven if i still held a grudge. granted i think it was a valid grudge, but that is just the "human" in me talking. they didn't really listen to me , but it didn't matter,i needed to say some things and ask for forgiveness. forgiveness was given, and saturday i felt almost normal. like me again. i did laundry, grocery shopping with out the electric cart, and picked up around the house. i had energy and a joy that i hadn't experienced since the end of october. could it be? i gave it up, the thing that was holding me back? so much grace, so much mercy given to someone so unworthy. but i am worthy. worthy of the suffering, the joy and all that comes with it. thank you for loving me enough to die for me, for you are enough. nothing but you jesus, nothing but you.