god speaks

three times in the last month i have been down with respiratory infections. three drs visits, 3 different antibiotics and days out of work. the immunoglobulin infusions i have been having every 2 months don't seem to work anymore. was i really going to have to spend the rest of my life in search of every breath? literally, i couldn't walk the plant at work with out coughing and becoming winded. doing my laundry downstairs is a huge effort, i have to stop on the way back up the stairs just to catch my breath. so, on my way to work tuesday, i did what we all do when we are at the end of our hope and forget who is really in charge, i cried out to god. i have been reading about king davids heart for god, how i want that in my own life. praying, crying and giving it all over to the king of kings to handle. i got to work, settled in, coughing still and feeling worse than i did last week when i was at the dr. i would have to go back again, my lungs were congested and the antibiotics weren't strong enough to kick it.

(a little history now) every year i do a bunch of baking, to give away to people i work with and people i love. i always have something at work for people to munch on during the weeks before christmas. one of our salesmen, eddie, often shows up to see what i have that day. somedays are more tempting than others and he has to pick up a cookie or fudge.

back to tuesday. eddie walked in to see what i had and noticed an air purifier in the back of my office about 10 feet from me. he asked what it was and i told him. then, god spoke to me through eddie...he said "that machine will make you sick". he had bought an industrial size one for his home and started having sinus problems. a friend of his who sells these systems asked if he had recently had one installed. he said yes, his friend said "that is what is making you sick", and something about the ions putting ozone into the air. ozone, smog, 10 feet away from me for 9 hours a day, 5 days a week for 2 1/2 years. i checked it out on the internet and found numerous articles about how these air purifiers put this poison into your home. of course i turned if off right away. this happened just a few hours after i had my come apart with god. with tears in my eyes and hope glimmering back into my heart i couldn't help but know that he spoke and i heard him. i am still very sick, and have been down since wednesday afternoon after another dr visit. this morning, i got up to make some banana bread for the gifts, and didn't have any eggs. so at 6 am this morning, still dark outside i went to the store. it took a while for me to get all that i needed and the sun was up when i got to the front of the store. gloomy and frozen rain outside, i walked toward my car...and there it was, a rainbow peaking out of the clouds, i even had a lady look to make sure it wasn't my imagination. it was god again, reminding me of his promise that he is with me always, even when i lose hope. twice in a week i have heard from god, with my own ears and my own eyes. i don't always notice the times he speaks but i will be listening more closely now. i have hope for the coming year to get healthy again, without the ozone!

with thanksgiving and joy.....and psalm 145

this last wednesday night i had the privilege of helping to make thankgiving dinner for my church family. while preparing the food, i thought back on all the wonderful and yes, sad memories in which they have been a part of my life. prayers, healing, singing, laughter, sadness, tears of joy and tears of pain and hurt. they have been and will forever be a church family that i am so thankful for. each one has a special place in my heart where they have touched my life. god has so graciously allowed me into his family, and they have done the same. i don't deserve it, i didn't earn it, i didn't buy into it...it was free. free love and acceptance from everyone. listening and watching them eat turkey and gravy, i experienced the joy of family. it was like looking in on my children, talking laughing, sharing, noisy kids, screams of laughter, " more mommy, i want more".

"more lord, i want more of you. more of your unconditional love, grace, and mercy for all the days of my life. i don't have to do anything for it except ask your forgiveness and to love you with all my heart in return."

we started this year in hurt, betrayal and anger. in the months that have followed we have been reminded of the truth...freedom in christ. such a simple concept, yet so unimaginable that we could really be free in him. this is the joy that comes in the morning, when the pain in the night has passed. this year i am thankful for my freedom in christ, and everything that comes with it. thank you lord for my freedom and my "family". i am going to find another church body, but none will ever be so close to my heart as this one has.

i left before the singing started, but sasha recorded the guys singing one of may favorite songs, psalms 145. i don't know how to post directly to this blog, but this should take you to it.

"the lord is gracious and slow to anger, he is rich in love, he is good to all"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHXY-B5ZWng&feature=email

family tree

this is a picture of the oak tree and deck in my backyard growing up, just a couple of years after we moved in. it was just the four of us then, with a couple of dogs and the horse of course. dad was great at building things. he could make anything out of wood. he knew how he wanted things to look and made it happen. i often wonder about god knowing all things and making them happen. starting from this beautiful oak tree and watching it grow with our family.

denise came to live with us for a while, she had been my aunts foster kid. my sophomore year we had an exchange student, alba, from paraguay come to live with us for a year. it was hard in the beginning, she didn't speak english very good. but with her translation book in hand everywhere she went, she learned quickly. a few years later, greg, from the philippines, he knew english and adapted to our family. later, martha, albas sister came, her cousin stella too. the family tree grew some more. sheila and i gave mom and dad 4 grandchildren in 3 yrs. mom and dad rented out the apartment above the garage to paige and friend, paige went to church with us. various people in and out over time. 3 of albas children have come to spend time at the house. alba died from breast cancer and within a year, marcos, her husband also died. mom and dad have been to paraguay numerous times to check on them. sheila and jeff moved in when renay and i moved to alabama, while mom and dad were living on the east coast. sheila and jeff rented their house to friends and added 2 more kids to thier family. jeff had 2 brothers with families, the family tree was growing year by year. denise married a friend of jeffs and had a family, greg went to med school in new york married lynn and had a family and live in vegas. i am sure that i am forgetting a bunch of "family", only because there were so many.

this all started with just the four of us and the oak tree in the back yard. while at home for my dads surgery, i had the opportunity to see a bunch of family and see how big the "family tree" had grown. dad has had to have the deck rebuilt numerous times to adjust to how big the oak tree grew. just like god adjusts our hearts to hold all the love he brings to us.

mom and dad, thank you for showing me family and how it is so much more than just the four of us. this is the family tree today, continuing to grow into the mighty oak it was meant to be!

god is good

its over, the dr feels good about the surgery. dad will be under until sometime tomorrow. surgery lasted 10 hours. thank you lord for the strength you gave the drs and those of us waiting.

another update

the drs are finished separating the tissue from the stomach and esophagus, they have now started to disect the portions of both. they will deflate one lung to do this, so this is a crucial time for him. thanks to all of you for your continuing prayers.

small update

besides overwhelming one entire end of the waiting room, making a bunch of noise, my mother trying to text in her own abbreviations and us all falling on the floor laughing, they have updated to say that all the tubes were in for the operation and that they were in the process of separating all the tissue from the stomach and esophagus. so fall all is well

long day

we got to the hospital at 5:30, they took dad back to get prepped. only 2 of us at a time could go in, but dad, mom, sheila and i had a moment together. when we were young and would go on a trip, dad would always pray for traveling mercies before we started the car. i wanted him to do that again this morning, we are all going on a long trip today. of course he won't remember his. we stayed in the waiting room until mom came out and they took him to surgery. spent some time doing what we do best in this situation, and laughed. it's funny, i have been praying for dad specifically about getting through this surgery, for a little while i forgot how big my god really is. my prayer now is for total healing, and if that isn't in his plans, then getting through the surgery with no complications. will update again with new news.

being family together

the past few days have been wonderful and extremely painful all at the same time. it has been great visiting with and loving on family. at times it has been painful, talking to my parents about things i needed to talk to them about. i have never liked conflict, but this was now or never. my heart was aching, but i know that it was the right thing to do. i guess as the oldest it was my responsibility, of course the rest of my family let me know i had been elected spokesperson. the talks went well and we are all good.

dad is really ok with all the outcomes after his surgery. #1 it was exactly what they thought, #2 it isn't as bad as they thought, #3 it is worse than they thought, #4 if he dies, he will wake up in heaven. never being on this side of things, i now realize that all the family goes through this painful process, not just the cancer patient. this really sucks. the surgery will be on monday, he will need to be there at 5 am, surgery a couple of hours later. today they went for the pre-op visit. tiffany- the nutritionist, sasha-the lawyer, and misty- the best note taker and a caretaker herself.



mom is scared. she has known dad since she was 14. dad seems stoic most of the time, after our talk, he was more aware of those around him, interacting with us more. mom broke down a little bit, but she really needs a good melt down. the rest of us are just trying to get through. get through till what and when will be a mystery until we are in the moment. i am scared too. i have never really seen my dad in this scenario. i feel blessed to still have my parents, and will enjoy, even in the heartache, every minute i have with him this week. continued prayers are needed.

thanks brook for the encouraging scripture

Philippians 4:4-8
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

home again

misty and i started our trip with a pat down at b'ham airport. bloody marys in memphis at 7:30. we arrived in la at 11:30, mom and dad picked us up and took me straight to in n out. got to the house and sat down with my family and ate lunch. the weather is wonderful, blue sky with white fluffy clouds. strange to think that this really isn't a vacation for me, but a wonderful time for all of us to be together again for mom and dad. loving on each other, laughing with each other and i am sure the crying will come.

i got to hold my great nephew today, he is such a boy. his hair is so thick on top with enough curl it looks like a mohawk. layla hasn't really been in the mood for us yet. des is in a wedding tonight, sheila and jeff are there. had dinner with joe, tiff, the kids and mom and dad. great day....

going home

in less than 48 hours, i will be home. misty and i fly out saturday morning, arriving in la at 11:45. Just in time to hit in-n-out for lunch on the way home. it is a part of my history.....in-n-out. besides my immediate family, the thing i miss most about home is in-n-out. they make the best hamburgers and fries ever. such a simple thing, hamburger, lettuce, grilled onions, condiments and a bun. nothing makes me feel like i am home better than that stupid hamburger. i have been gone for 21 yrs, but duarte will always be home to me. don't get me wrong, i am so happy i made the choice to raise my kids here, in alabama, but home is home. the place you grew up. where you made all those idiotic mistakes, but your family loved you anyway. where i learned to ride a horse, what an awesome christmas that was. where sheila and i were pushed into the half filled pool so that neither one of us could say we went in first. ( we dug that pool ourselves, dad is an amazing designer) we learned to hammer a nail, put up sheetrock, water that stupid garden. sheila became the one with the green thumb, put me in the kitchen any day, everyone knows how i love to bake. building onto the original house took forever...or at least we thought so. the fire in the stairwell, being scared to death with the roof going on, so many saturdays spent with friends and family working on the house. my senior year, sheila and i finally had our own bedrooms. i had baby blue walls with thick chocolate carpet. my dream room, what can i say, it was the 70's. desiree lives in my old bedroom now. she has done a great job redecorating it. the whole addition has been remodeled. dad again with his visions. a home for mom and dad now. sheila and her family living downstairs. i am excited yet anxious at the same time about going home. i am planning on spending time with my dad and mom, my family...sister, brother in law, nieces, nephew and of course the great niece and new nephew, with my kids there too. all of my immediate and extended family together, leaning on each other for love and support. for whatever reason god has brought us together, this will be a wonderful memory that all of us can put away in our hearts to draw on later....so, lets get on with it. california here i come, in-n-out my first stop!

unexpected news

i wrote a couple of weeks ago about my father having esophageal cancer. i have heard of it before but didn't know it was #8 among cancers in this country. dad had already had a test about 3 months ago and the cancer wasn't there, so they found it early, which is good. we were all hoping for a quick fix, surgery, and poof it would be gone. unfortunately that won't be the case. after upcoming tests - pet scan, cardio check up, kidney function test, etc...if no cancer detected anywhere else he will have 85% of his esophagus, 30% of his stomach removed in a 6/8 hour surgery. 10-14 days in the hospital and 8 weeks recovery period. i am not even thinking about if there is more cancer, treating with chemo, radiation and then the surgery. it was so much easier when i had cancer. misty told me that it was my job to stay alive and their job was to make sure i was taken care of. my dad and i now have something in common that no one else in the family can share in. we have both seen cancer from different views. as soon as we find out when the surgery is we (misty, sasha, bobbie and caroline and i) will leave for california.

my mind has been in 4th gear for days now. random thoughts, fears, worry, what ifs, and what nows. but i keep going back to what cancer did for me, it allowed me another avenue to glorify the lord. what? did i just say that? how can something like cancer glorify god? the beauty of being human is the need to fall face down in order to experience gods grace. the beauty of his grace is how quickly we see his mercy. then the heavens open up and he sends his spirit upon us, his covenant with us. all of this is given to us just because we asked. i know many prayers are being said for dad, and god is listening carefully to each one. he is glorified in my cry for help and for each prayer said. we are here to glorify god. to be in an active relationship with him. cancer, prayers, for his glory. i know i am rambling on, another thing i do to keep from thinking too much. my dad and i don't always agree on things, sometimes we are on opposite ends, but on this, bringing edification and glory to our god, i know we are on the same page. see you soon dad

the children of my heart

this is the first real sunday i am home after i said goodbye to the basement. i didn't have to bake anything this morning, and i didn't have to hurry and get there early to make coffee. actually, i loved baking for everyone, and making coffee in anticipation of the morning to come. i read my bible this morning, listened to worship music, and prayed. i missed lily grace meeting me at the door with amazing energy saying "good morning, miss kim". i missed brittons smiling face talking about something he is excited about while i secretly pass him some extra change, and then ends the conversation with a thank you and a hug. i missed maggie coming down the stairs on her bottom. i missed the older girls chesney and claire giggling, cade giving caroline a smile, the dixon boys playing with cars, anna charlotte and delainey in their cute clothes, hadden and his flirty smile, madeline and her rolly polly arms. brady waking up at the end of service. i have been a part of all of these kids lives, most of them since they have been born. gifts from god to me. as i go in search for a new church family, i will take each of these kids with me deeply wrapped inside my heart. sadness abounds, pain comes in the night, but joy does come in the morning. this small season of my life, will soon end, and i will find a new home, for all things work together for my good.

memories, old and new

labor day weekend, i am at the beach on the gulf coast. it is so beautiful here, it's hard to believe that in the last 4 months millions of gallons of oil has spilled. but because of that oil spill, and merrie, i am able to enjoy a long weekend with sasha, bobbie and caroline, along with rodney, melinda, claire and maggie calfee. i have never stayed so close to the beach before, i have never been so amazed at gods wondrous handwork. the dolphins swim by 3-4 times a day. they are so beautiful, some swimming two by two, so close to each other, they must be mates. the sand, the water, the sky. schools of tiny fish, crabs and so many different kind of birds i couldn't count. the children laughing and playing all around me, the tiny cries of surprise, the squeals, the real tears when they have to get out of the water.


while describing this vacation, i am quickly drawn to my family vacations growing up. i remember vacations like this, my mom & dad, me and my sister sheila. the first real one, we drove up to british columbia and back, sitting in the back of a light blue '64 cadillac, with a home made desk my dad had put together. it had a map in the middle of our trip, and we would draw a line on the distance we had gone each day. we listened to herb albert and the tijuana brass, andy williams, glenn miller and a bunch of other big bands that I can't remember the names of.….....all still fresh in my mind when i hear them play now. we stayed at a motel with a pool....wow, we had finally made it! we didn't want to wait until we registered, we wanted to go directly to the pool. there was an ice machine that dispensed ice for free, we could put the bucket from our room in it and it would fill up like magic. i didn't know you could get ice any other way than with a metal ice tray. we traveled northward for days. when we finally reached canada, the only thing i can remember is loosing my wallet at butchart gardens. it had 75 cents in it. sheila and i had a bunch of matching outfits, i had gotten my hair trimmed before we left, she cut it too short and I ended up with a pixie, dad wore socks with shorts, and moms hair was frozen in time. the things we remember after decades go by. i really remember how happy we all were. It was family time, and it was good.
I would spend a few weeks each summer with my grandparents. moms' parents lived in bakersfield, the thing I remember the most is the water cooler they had cooling off the house. it was in the living room and i would lay on the floor very still and feel the damp coolness it put out. grandpa cooked some frog legs one summer, there was a canal across the street we would play in and around. summers were so hot there. dads' parents lived in many places, he was a pastor that would actually build a building and start a church in it. we spent time helping him.
later years we spent summers at a cabin, fishing, laying out, playing cards and eating ice cream out of a huge tub we would buy before we got there. i can't remember the name of the ice cream, but if i called my dad right now, he would. when we went fishing, you could see through the water and watch them bite the hook. back at the cabin i would scale them, sheila would gut them, mom would cook them. the last time we went i was a sophomore in high school. we had a foreign exchange student with us, her name was Alba. (my parents stayed close to her family in paraguay, she died several years ago of breast cancer.)
when we got a bit older we started going to trinity lake, just south of shasta. we would camp out, you know, sleep in cots outside under the stars! listening to james taylor, eagles and others on the portable 8 track player. we would bathe, shave our legs and wash our hair in the lake. the irwins, the gumms and the steelheads were there too. we went for another two years. my senior year was the last year we went, my sister had an exchange student that year that went with us. we also went to hawaii that year, the big island and mauna loa. i remember mom & dad wanted us to drive up some volcano to see all the greenery, seriously, didn't they know all we wanted to do was go to the beach. the two of us also learned to surf while we were there.  it was the last summer it was just the four of us. there are so many small moments during those times I will always remember...the smells, the stars, the music, the quietness of the outdoors.
i wish i could have given more of those same kind of memories to my kids. we were never very smart with our money and really never did a yearly vacation. when we did go, it was very stressful, renay and I didn't get along real well and i am sure the kids felt it.
i really didn't start out this post with remembrance in mind. but I had that same sense of peace and family on the beach that i felt when I was young. i felt like a little girl, wishing my mom & dad were there with me.


i found out the day before we left that my dad has esophageal cancer.....how could that be? nothing can bring down my dad. he is the one that made that special desk for the caddy that we took our first vacation in. he showed me all the important things in life like how to hammer, put up sheet rock, opening up your home to people in need. he taught us how to plant and water a garden, to give up our saturdays all during our high school years to build a house, for us to learn about sacrifice, how to work together and with others. he would wake us up and make us get up out of bed every time a space rocket took off, no matter what time of night it was. telling me that feelings just are, not good or bad, they just are. i will never forget the look on his face as he gave me away at my wedding.
i am praying that god will guide the drs during the surgery and they will get everything with little or no treatment afterword. i talked to mom today, she said he had a real peace about all this. i know that peace, i felt it when i was diagnosed. i didn't suddenly feel the need to go sky diving, sail around the world, ride a bull named fu manchu or any other stupid daring thing. i only wanted to see my grandchild, and that gift was given to me in caroline.
All of our vacations showed me the importance of family, exploring new things, sometimes doing things we weren't sure we could do, and the special times together. I am going home for my sisters birthday this christmas. To be with my original family, on vacation again.

thanks mom and dad, we may have thought you guys were weird growing up, but you were so loving and giving, teaching us all the while.

here are the sweet girls i was blessed to spend time with this past weekend

maggie, clair, and my caroline

52 and counting

i turned 52 this week. i have spent a lot of time this week reflecting on my life. i never thought i would be who i am now 40 yrs ago. i imagined myself growing old with a husband, children and grand children. my life was to have been perfect. great house, good job, adoring husband, wonderful kids....the hardest thing in my life would have been which car to buy next. fast forward to reality. what a trip....so far from the imagined life i thought i would have. but so much richer. i have so much more than i deserve. i am alive, have wonderful kids, an amazing relationship with the my granddaughter, a home, a job, health insurance and above all else, i have the peace that only my god can give. i still have dreams, dreams from the past, dreams for the present, and dreams for the future. i want to love again, i want someone to share the rest of my life with. i dream of giving of myself and my home to those who have no one and nothing. i have all this room here, and no one to take care of. that is what i long to do. take care of and love someone who doesn't really know what it is like to be special. i don't know what the rest of my life has in store for me, but i do know that there is something there. right around the corner. waiting to surprise me again. happy birthday self, it is going to be a great year!

mourning a loss

the past 5 years i have been on an amazing journey seeking God. in doing so i found a group of people that were on the same road as i. somewhere on this journey, i sort of got misdirected. one degree off the truth might as well have been going in the opposite direction. seeking jesus through works and other things. the gospel was diluted, the truth distorted, grace and mercy were something that was earned, and there was an awful ache for the betrayal that had come.

fast forward to 8 months ago....we started meeting in sean and christys basement. tight fit, intimate, but back on track. gospel restored, nothing but the truth in jesus, grace and mercy is freely given. as a church family we have dived deep into the truth of the gospel. just jesus, nothing else. we have spent months healing, helping and serving each other. finding our way, learning to trust as individuals and as a church body.

now it is time to move on. to learn to trust again. i am mourning the loss of my church as i have known it, but am excitedly anticipating what god has planned for me. we will all be searching for a new home, but we will never forget the one we came from. for out of the ashes we have been raised to a new place, seated in the palms of his hands waiting to see what he has planned next for us.

i love these people more than i thought i could love. they are the most giving, caring, gentle and compassionate people i have ever met. they love the lord with so much passion it makes it easy to do the same. so, now with tears streaming down my face, i want to share this old hymn that says it all for me right now.

Jesus, Jesus how I trust him
How I've proved him o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Oh for grace to trust him more

Take my life and let it be
Given wholly Lord to thee
Take my lips in ceaseless praise
And I will give it all to Thee
I will give it all to Thee

we give you back your basement denards....your love and open hearts will not be forgotten.
god bless us all!

scripture and songs

scripture and songs that have run through my head this week. psalm 73 are words i have actually spoken before i knew them, i never understood why the wicked would prosper, be of good health and so successful. it still is difficult for me to understand. but here it is, written long ago, the exact thoughts i have had....now answered

psalm 73
3 For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
4 They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong.
5 They are free from the burdens common to man; they are not plagued by human ills.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace; they clothe themselves with violence.
7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity ; the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.
8 They scoff, and speak with malice; in their arrogance they threaten oppression.
9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven, and their tongues take possession of the earth.
10 Therefore their people turn to them and drink up waters in abundance.
11 They say, "How can God know? Does the Most High have knowledge?"
12 This is what the wicked are like—always carefree, they increase in wealth.
13 Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
14 All day long I have been plagued; I have been punished every morning.
15 If I had said, "I will speak thus," I would have betrayed your children.
16 When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God, then I understood their final destiny.
18 Surely you place them on slippery ground; you cast them down to ruin.
19 How suddenly are they destroyed, completely swept away by terrors!
20 As a dream when one awakes, so when you arise, O Lord, you will despise them as fantasies.
21 When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
27 Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

songs that have been stuck in my head, that allow me to worship as loud as i can, to the one true God.

more like falling in love....jason gray
"give me words, i'll misuse them; obligations i'll misplace them, cuz all religion ever made of me was a sinner with a stone tied to my feet. more like fallin' in love, than something to believe in. more like losing my heart, than given my allegience. caught up, called out, come take a look at me know, its like i'm fallin' !"

if we've ever needed you.....not sure
"hear our cry, Lord we pray, our faces down, our hands are raised, you called us out, we turned away, we’ve turned away. with ship wrecked faith, idols rise, we do what is right, in our own eyes, our children now, will pay the price, we need Your light, Lord, shine Your light.if we’ve ever needed You, Lord, it’s now, Lord, it’s now, we are desperate for Your hand, we’re reachin’ out, we’re reachin’ out."

blink....revive
"teach me to number my days, and count every moment before it slips away, taking all the colors before they fade to gray, i don’t want to miss even just a second more of this
it happens in a blink, i t happens in a flash, it happens in the time it takes to look back. i try to hold on tight, but there’s no stopping time. what is it I’ve done with my life. it happens in a blink
when it’s all said and done, no one remembers how far we have run. the only thing that matters is how we have loved, i don’t want to miss even just a second more of this"


i know none of these words are mine, but they are on my heart and i wanted to share.

update on last post

i met God in my car this morning, face to face. i sang His praises, prayed and rejoiced in the fact that i truly am worthy! wow, it was amazing and my heart was overflowing!

worthy or not worthy

as i sat in church today, i kept thinking how unworthy i feel to be face to face with God. then melissa made a comment that struck the heart of it. my past relationships, most of them for the last 50 yrs, i have felt unworthy of it all. everything i did wasn't quite up to the standards of others. i always fell short. i would clean the kitchen growing up, but would always forget to clean the sink out when i was finished. i never seemed to complete things. i go grocery shopping but will forget the toilet paper. (that's a whole other story.) i would start out strong and always end with a weak finish. even now, after completing a job at work, the phone will ring and instantly i think "what did i do wrong this time". growing up, married life, even the kids sometimes when they were young....i never felt i was good enough. i was never told i was good enough, until now. i am worthy of His love and affection. for no other reason than He made me. i am here to glorify Him and Him alone. i don't need to work for His approval, His grace, or His love. it is odd that we let living life, the life He gave us, take us away from Him. distractions, as someone put it this morning, take us everywhere but where we really need to be; face to face with our Father, our King, our Abba, our Dad. being held in His loving arms, talking, worshipping, praising, and loving Him. i don't know why that seems to be so hard to do.
Father, please remind me minute by minute that i am your child and worthy of it all. when i go out into the world each day, may all i do, be done for your glory.
holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty! and i, am worthy of His love!

i am having a hard time with whom it is jesus actually calls us to love. the sinner, the saint, the pedophile down the street, the family member that has hurt us, the mexican working in the fields? the men in office, the murderers, the non-christians, those from other countries that hate us americans? the lost and broken, the people living in squaller, the co-worker at work that makes us see red, the rich people of the world that don't care for anyone but themselves? doesn't he call us to love the unlovable? those people we can't stand, the ones we dislike the most, the ones who make us angry at the things they have done? before christ, weren't we "those people"? i was, because i didn't know christ. and until we know christ, we don't know how to love. he loves all of us, we are all sinners, sin is sin no matter how we cook it up. and yet, we continue to sin every day, but we don't register it as sin. our thoughts, our disobedience, speeding on the interstate disobeying the law, lying by omission, being silent when we know we should say something, standing up for the little guy that doesn't seem to be heard. i have started reading hosea, (thank you bobbie), and really thinking about sin ( thank you andy). i realized that everything we hold important means nothing to the lord, and he will take it away in an instant. gone, poof, what once was is no more. he will leave us so totally empty that the only place to turn is to him. he is the living water. the only thing we need to survive. we don't need all the stuff. why? oh why?..do we keep on haulin' that bucket with a hole in it to fill up our hearts and lives? it always ends up empty, only with the "living water" can we be sustained. sin is not loving the unlovable, turning away from a friend who needs us, pretending we didn't see, jumping in with the crowd just because it is what everyone is doing, seeing only one side of things...the outside. i need to stop.... be quiet and listen to the quiet. be still and listen to the lord. "Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." john 13. i need to learn to love those that i can't stand. lord, give me the courage to love the unlovable. the strength to rely on the living water and stop trying to hold on the the bucket with the hole in the bottom.
lord help me to show you and your love to all people.

"when jesus crashes in"

yesterday was the official anniversary of sitting in the drs office with the kids being told i had cancer. yesterday was also the most amazing worship service i have ever been involved in. our pastor, rodney sent an email to everyone in the church telling them of my story. how jesus not only healed my physical body, more importantly he healed my soul. rodney asked that people respond in worship and send scripture passages of hope and of His sovereignty, and words of encouragement. i cried on and off all day. what an outpouring of gods love i received from my church family. then came the song, "when jesus crashes in" from rodney. he told us to sing loud and clap with him. it is one of my favorite songs and i sang, cried and sang some more. i was the "rescue so profound". the lord caused me to get cancer so i would return to him. so, cancer was the reason for my wanting to be rescued, but during the rescue i realized that i needed more than a rescue from cancer, i needed it from all the sin in my life. so i ran, and will continue to run to him.

so, everyone, lets sing!

"when jesus crashes in, out comes something beautiful! a rescue so profound, i can not hold it in"

no greater love

i think i was 16. that was 35 years ago. spence jakeway, ray morford, my dad, central church, the easter event. we had been doing it for years. every easter i get nostalgic and memories of this time flood my thoughts. i can remember times when sheila and i would go for practice and sing every song out loud with the choir. i yearned to be in the choir singing " and now is christ risen, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, risen from the dead" ; "in christ shall all be made alive". there was one time i continued to sing out loud when spence stopped the singing, it was so embarrassing. the next year, they asked me to be the servant girl. i couldn't believe it. i had longed for this moment, only i had only wanted to be in the choir. i could sing every song by heart. i remember a lady named jan was the woman who played my mistress. i was a christian servant. at the time, i didn't comprehend the magnitude of what i was portraying. today, good friday, i still can't fully comprehend what happened on this day, only god can. he died. they killed him. he was dead. all was lost. he was gone. the messiah, our savior, our king, the child, the carpenter, the healer. he died for me, just for me. he bore my sins, the sins of mankind. at that moment, he was separated from his father. hell....he was in hell. separation from god, for me. only for me. i don't know why he loves me that much. i am a sinner. born into sin. still walking in it daily. yet, he died for me. how awesome it is that this wasn't the end. my heart can not comprehend the love he has for me, that he would give his life for me. i only know that he is risen, and alive in me today. alive in me today, wow. we will celebrate his resurrection sunday. who else but god could send his son to die for me, only to resurrect for me.
"but now is christ risen, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, risen from the dead." the reason for the season isn't so much christmas as it is easter. to be loved by the master, what more could i ask for?

5 years

today i met with dr susan winchester. the most amazing breast surgeon ever. when she gave me and the kids my cancer diagnosis 5 years ago, she prayed with us. we knew the day before that i had cancer. she had told the lab to make sure they tested my biopsy before they left, and made an appointment with us to meet the next day. misty and i knew then that the news wasn't going to be good. as the kids and i left the office the following day, we actually laughed, who was going to call everyone. we wanted sasha to send a mass text message so we wouldn't actually have to talk to anyone.
5 years. they have flown by. i have one more appointment with my oncologist and i am finished. what a journey it has been.

i actually found my lump 5 years ago this month. a coworker had announced she had cancer. it made me diligent in doing my self exam. that is when i found it. right there, as big as my thumb. i had always known that i would get breast cancer someday, that day, i knew was here. it took forever for may 12th to get here. that day they took it all out. then there was chemo, shaving of the heads, learning of my ex husbands long term affair, forgiveness, radiation, pneumonia, spinal surgery, cataract surgery, more forgiveness, sinus surgery, knee surgery, more sinus surgery, immunoglobulin infusions every month, now every two months and finally we are here.

5 years. in that time i have had the pleasure of getting a son-in-law, daughter-in-law, and received the wonderful opportunity to become a grandmother to a wonderful little girl. she will be 2 in may. the only prayer i had that day 5 yrs ago was "lord please let me live long enough to meet my grandchild". not only did he answer that prayer, but so much more. i have been healed, been forgiven, have forgiven, been blessed with a granddaughter, been healed again...my heart. over and over again, god has shown me who he is and how much he loves me.

flashback: feb 2005- i actually shot guns, the kind i wouldn't allow my kids to have the toy versions of. all kinds of guns. i wanted to face my fears and my friends from work thought they would help me out. you know, the kind of guns with bullets, the ones that leave bruises on your shoulder. on the way home, god called me back to his church. 2 months later i had cancer. wow, his timing is awesome. cancer all over my body is what they told me, god had other plans. breast cancer it was, that's all it was.

my cancer journey is almost over, my new normal has emerged, i am here today because of his mercy and grace. april 22nd is my 5 year mark. who knew how wonderful getting cancer could be. don't get me wrong, it really sucked, chemo, radiation and all of the darkness. but the light that came afterward somehow changed the darkness to a beautiful sunrise.
now for the next season of my life! can't wait to see what happens. i feel like scarlett...tomorrow is another day!

confession

this has been a soapbox week. me, my soapbox, and a bunch of hot air, mostly at work. i usually take up for the under guy, the loser, the one no one thinks about. better yet, i argue sometimes for the sake of arguing. again, a bunch of hot air. most of the time i talk too much and do not listen enough.
ok...i know i am talking now, but somehow it is different. this time i am apologizing for not acknowledging a letter someone sent me. we grew up together, her and her sister, me and mine. our parents were friends and we would go on family vacations together, go out eat every sunday night after church. our parents still meet twice a week for breakfast and dinner. she wrote me a letter, making an effort to rekindle a friendship that was long lost because of circumstance and distance, reminiscing about old times. she has had a rough time in life and was reaching out to me. she has put most of her life back together, but i totally blew it. after everything god has done for me, and i totally forgot about her and misplaced the letter. she actually wrote it out by hand, no email, no handheld communication device, no computer, but by her own hand. no one does that anymore, it takes too much time. i have searched for the letter and found it, and i am going to answer her letter and take the time write it on paper, she deserves that. i hope that is isn't too late and i can make amends for what i have done.

so, i am going to try and stay off my soapbox, stop my arguing for the sake of arguing and try to listen more. actually listen without trying to think of what my next words might be. how many times have i missed an opportunity to proclaim my love for christ, and all he has done for me because i wasn't listening. i didn't hear the cry, the need, the broken heart or the pain. i hope that my need to make noise won't keep me from listening. really listening

jeannie, i totally forgot we went to disneyland together on grad night. i am answering your letter. sorry for the delay. please forgive me.

are you kidding me?

6 carat blue diamond ring auctioned off in new york, estimated sale price? 6 million dollars. a ring for 6 million.
there is something seriously wrong when the price of a small ring could give lifesaving surgery to small children with disease whose parents don't have insurance. children that are going to die, leave this earth because of money their parents don't have. i don't get it. what is inside people that have to have "things"? ridiculous things. THINGS people. what has happened to us as a society, that these things are more important than integrity, more important than taking care of your neighbors needs. we give millions to noteworthy causes, but what about those who are hurting that live right next door? i don't even know my neighbors. don't get me wrong, people work hard for their money and lifestyle, but the message they send when these "things" become more important than "him" is so damaging to his message. can't you hear the family that can hardly afford food, living in their car, wondering why "that" family with all the "things" won't even acknowledge they exist. they must wonder how god could shower "things" on others, when their circumstance has taken everything. how do we justify all the extras when there are so many that don't have the basics?
as frustrating as this is for me, i am guilty too. i have this big house, and i live alone in it. somewhere there is someone who needs a place to stay. i need to find that person, that mother and child, that broken heart that has no place to go and feels like they are among the unloved. dreams can come true, and my dream is to give someone the love and caring they need to get back on their feet.
i so want to be that person.
what i could do with a 6 carat blue diamond.

exposed

this past weekend, i was with 14 awesome women. most of them younger than me. i was hesitant about taking off my many masks. it wasn't as hard as i thought it would be. we talked openly, prayed together, cried together, ate together and learned things we didn't know before.
who knew....not me, that when people talked about studying the bible that there was an actual "study bible". all these years i have been reading my bible wondering how to study it. i always wondered how people knew the things they knew, not knowing that they had information i didn't. i couldn't find any of that information in the bible i had. first thing to do this week is to get one, and start learning instead of just reading.

i saw a woman completely open up her broken heart to us asking for prayer. something i so wish i had done years ago. the courage she showed by doing this was huge. listening to 14 women pray out loud, crying out to our lord all at once was so beautiful. it was like music being offered up in worship. it was so beautiful. this is what we were made to do.
this is just the beginning of many beautiful relationships with the women at church. something i have needed for a long time. i may be older in years than most of these women, but they are so much further along in their walk. they have so much to teach and i have so much to learn from them. they are so committed, honest, humble and sincere. i love them all.
thank you ladies, thank you for your loving spirit, and for sharing it with me.

my many masks

i am wearing one now,one of many, i just do not know which one it is. i deal with physical pain all the time, sometimes it is worse than others. right now it is almost unbearable. my knee hurts all the time, but my face is smiling and i pretend everything is ok. i am not liking myself very much right now.

sunday we talked about “prosperity gospel”. i made the statement about what an honor to be worthy of suffering for Christ. it sounded real good, and i believe it most of the time, except when i am in pain, physical, spiritual, or emotionally. sometimes i wish i wasn’t worthy of the suffering and that there was prosperity gospel. of course i come back to reality real quick. i look around and see good people suffering, and bad people prospering. yeah, I know…it is the end game that counts. but seriously, why did adam and eve blow it? why did Christ have to die for me? most of all, why can’t i be the person he wants me to be? why is it all so hard? i must be missing something, discipline for sure. i escape everyday so i don't have to be alone with myself. i know he is there, but the quietness is overwhelming sometime. i don't think we were meant to be alone. i pray that someday i will have someone to share my life with again. right now, i just need to get closer to him. just not real sure how to go about it. read my bible, pray, fellowship....and when that doesn't work, i feel lost.

i don’t have many answers, just tons of questions. the only question i know the answer to is that Christ died for me, loves me unconditionally, even with all my sin. so, i guess the rest is just the journey i will take to find answers. i know that most of them won’t be answered until that day when i won’t need them answered anymore. that will be the day, no more tears, no more pain, no more fears (i know, someone else said it first, but said it so well).

big mike and rodney

i have a dear friend from work that has been in the hospital for a couple of weeks now. he is not doing well. "big mike" as we called him is also known as "big papa". we used to work together up until last year when we had cutbacks and he was let go. this man with his white hair pulled back into a pony tail, and a beard like santa claus would light up the darkest days. he could bring a smile to your face in the midst of turmoil. there is a facebook group "get well big papa" that is set up for updates on his condition and for friends to send prayers and thoughts. i have never seen a person with so many people that love them. hundreds of people praying for his healing and recovery. to be loved like that is a tribute to what kind of man he is.
i just found out another friend i used to work with passed away today. he too, was let go last year. he had trouble with his knees, but today i picture him running down the streets of gold singing praises to god. you will be missed rodney
we never know how long we have, or how many people our lives touch. every person we come in contact with we have the opportunity to show jesus to them. let them see him in us everyday, leaving no doubt that one day we too will be dancing and singing and praising god.

missing family

i've been thinking about my sister often the past couple of weeks. she lives in california. except for sasha and misty, all my family lives out there. we can go for months without talking. the fact is, we talk in august (my birthday), christmas, and new years eve (her birthday). i miss not having a close relationship with her. we don't know each other at all. we share a past, from when we were kids, but do not share anything now. when we are together, it is like no time has past, we pick up where we left off. but it is only in the moment. no feelings, dreams, or opening up at all. i pray for her, her husband and her kids. i know they know who jesus is and think all is well, but they don't have any jesus experience. the kind you get walking in his presence everyday. i spent many years walking without him and know that this walk is so much more. i long for the relationship sisters usually have, talking often and confiding in one another. in the meantime, i will continue to miss my family awaiting my trip to california for her 50th birthday in december.

"delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." psalms 37:4

what does that mean "delight yourself"?

noun 1. a high degree of pleasure or enjoyment; joy; rapture: She takes great delight in her job. 2. something that gives great pleasure

verb (used with object) 3. to give great pleasure, satisfaction, or enjoyment to; please highly

–verb (used without object) 4. to have great pleasure; take pleasure (fol. by in or an infinitive)

still not exactly sure, but the word pleasure keeps coming up. just like my children and caroline give me pleasure, we must give the LORD the same pleasure. the picture at the top of my blog is caroline climbing up some stairs in her backyard. there are a couple of steps that are broken. i wonder if that is how we delight ourselves in the LORD as we journey through life. hitting all those broken steps, but continuing to climb upward closer to him. parts of our lives are easy climbing, but we miss a step and fall back down a few. he picks us up and helps us get through the brokenness and onto the next step. the hardest part of being a parent is watching my children fall and hurt, but i know i have to stand back and allow them to fail. i am there afterward to help them up.i know i stay on that staircase, and my father continues to lift me from my brokenness and heartbreaks.

so, do i delight myself? or the LORD? or both. still not too sure

"Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name...who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion..."
Psalm 103:1, 4 (NIV)

he redeems my life from the pit i put myself in every second of everyday. too big to comprehend sometimes

i talk to myself all the time. i tell myself all the things i want to do...read my bible, dishes, laundry, vacuum, clean out the fridge, lose 100 pounds, eat healthy. i do this when i am driving to work after i pray. i make all these plans of things i want to do. by the time i get home i am so tired i can't move. i stay in a lot of pain most of the time, and my lungs don't work very well either. today i managed to do a load of wash and play with caroline for a while. tomorrow i will bake some cookies and clean the kitchen and go to house church. i will pull out my bible at work and read for a short period of time, better than no time, but i feel so guilty not spending more time in it.
today i feel like paul in romans 7 " for what i want to do i do not do, but what i hate i do" " for i have the desire to do what is good, but i cannot carry it out"
i love to tell myself that i can do this on my own. well it hasn't worked so far, so who am i kidding. i can only do all things through christ who strengthens me. if only i could remember that when i am in the moment.

brownies, tequila and God... not necessarily in that order. i love God, i worship him, praise him, beg him, cry out to him, laugh with him and bow down to him. i also love to bake, brownies are my specialty. and i drink tequila on friday nights.

now that i have explained the title i can continue. well maybe not quite yet. yesterday in our new church setting, my special brownies were mentioned. then someone mentioned maybe we should have meetings on friday nights so we could have special brownies and tequila. this was a short conversation in church on sunday. no, i do not make those kind of special brownies. but i will bring brownies next sunday for church.

i really don't know how to do this, i haven't told anyone i am doing this, i don't know if anyone will even read this, but i am going to write it here. my thoughts, my dreams, my pain, my joy, my hunger, my fears, and my truth as i know it.