reflection

i was limping around the plant today and noticed that more peope smile at me and take time to talk to me again. then i realized it had been going on for a couple of weeks now. what has changed? why now? could be that i am smiling at them more, i am taking time to talk to them more? i am now at a place again that i like myself.  really? could it be as easy as that? i am no longer hiding in my office with a scoul on my face, feeling self pity and shame. i can look at a reflection of myself and not cringe.

re·flec·tion (ri-flek-shuhn)
the act of reflecting or the state of being reflected.

an image; representation; counterpart.
a fixing of the thoughts on something; careful consideration.
a thought occurring in consideration or meditation.
an unfavorable remark or observation

each definition of the word has to do with me, not of someone else. for the last year i have spent reflecting an image or thought that was in me including; degredation, unworthiness of conversation or attention, shame, regret and self doubt. basically i was looking for the same from other people. i knew what they were thinking about me "how could she let herself get that way", "what an ugly woman" " how sad for her" " her life must be terrible".....only they weren't thinking these things, i was, so this is what i saw in my reflection of their eyes.


god is turning my heart so that i can learn to love myself again, just like he loves me. all of me and everything about me. it is amazing what losing weight and learning to like yourself will do. i have learned in the past 4 months that food is not my best friend when i get depressed. it is not the cure all for all that is hurting in me. god is the only way to heal all that is hurting, and food is only the substance that i need to nourish my body, not my spirit. i have lost 47 pounds so far, with many more to go, but i feel wonderful. i can look at the woman in the mirror and know that this woman in front of me is changing.

so, i lost some weight and turned 53, two requirements from the dr before he would scheduled a knee replacement. it is scheduled for october 17th. less than 4 weeks. i have never been so happy to endure so much pain. the dream of walking with out pain is about to come true. it is going to take a bunch of hard work, but i kicked cancers ass! and with gods help i can do anything. even look at my reflection in the mirror and like the woman i see there!