my grandma gig!

look at them! more joy than i can handle, right? then why am i so melancholy? this time of year is my favorite time of year. baking with my favorite girls included my mom this year. mom and dad came out to meet elliott for the first time.

i have begun that season in life that every middle aged women dread. mood swings, night sweats and lots of crying for no reason. i really resent eve right now, that apple could not have tasted that good! because of my breast cancer, i cannot take anything for this problem. the thing i need to do the most is surround myself with those i love and who will love me in spite of my moods. talk about a pity party! i beat cancer, i have been blessed with wonderful kids, their amazing spouses, and three adorable grandkids. so why do i feel lost?

i quit medifast earlier this summer, i could no longer afford it. i was embarrassed and ashamed so i didn't continue the counseling offered to me. i did gain back ten pounds which only made me feel worthless. after an intervention, and a gift of 4 more months at medifast, i plan on reaching my goal for weight loss and for establishing more friendships. for those of you reading this, please pray for me. pray that i will jump out of my box again and reach out to others, that i will accept friendship when offered to me, instead of climbing back into the hole that is my safe place right now!
god has already healed my body and soul, i need to continue to let him do his work in me!

quiet my heart

i was up early this morning...well i am up early every morning, but this morning i went outside to have my first cup of coffee and my quiet time. the sky was filled with so many stars it looked like god had spilled diamonds onto a bed of dark blue velvet (can't you close your eyes and see it?). i could almost touch them and feel them in my hands. a slight breeze hit my face and i knew i wasn't alone. not being able to put into words the weight upon my heart, i just closed my eyes and was still. no, i didn't have some huge revelation, or hear his voice from heaven, but i felt his breath on my face and knew he was close.

the paragraph above was actually the end of a post about my melancholy heart and how life happens. about my wants and needs, my haves and have nots. but after this mornings awakening, i deleted it. everyone has those times when they don't know what to do or what happens next, in that, i am no different. after a summer of love and joy i was quietly reminded of who it is i serve. so instead of complaining, i will anxiously await the  quiet morning of each new day, the stars and his breath in the wind.

"he determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name" psalms 147

again...he determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name...and this morning he was sitting next to me out on my deck as i was quiet. the words that didn't come because i didn't know them, he understood, because he knows my heart. he knows it so much more than as he knows  the name of the stars. i realized this morning, that even when i don't have the words, he still hears me in my quiet time. so when i have my doubts and troubles, and when i have joy unspeakable, i will quiet my heart and mind and know that he hears and understands me in my stillness.

i couldn't post again without sharing pictures of my trio of joy!

princess caroline, lil' man, and lil' dude!

mom, dad, des and harper visit

look at them...holding their 5th great-grandchild, abram crosley moore! the world knows them as granny and papa, i know them as mom and dad. seeing them with my grandchildren was a blessing. caroline was taken with mom immediately on the ride home from the airport. they talked and giggled in the back seat, and on the way to dinner that night when mom got in another car, she cried. she wanted granny to ride with her in our car. so, yes, mom got out of the other car and sat next to her. (mom was thrilled because caroline wanted so badly to sit next to her).  

i had the pleasure of taking off work to spend time with them while they visited. we got off to a rocky start, spending the first day after their arrival at the hospital with dad. since his cancer surgery, he can't lie flat and sleep without having trouble. so, after a few hours, a few antibiotics and his fun teasing the nurses, we brought him home. this time though, he would sleep in my recliner!  

desiree and harper also came to visit and for the first time i got to meet my sweet nieces daughter. oh, what a happy baby girl she is! 

as you can see, caroline had a blast with harper and abram!

during this time spent with family, i often just sat still and listened and watched. yes, i did my part in being loud and in the middle of things, but i watched my parents with all the kids. they made it a priority early on in my kids lives to be involved. they made sure that the 4 cousins had plenty of together time, in california, alabama, chicago, and europe. now i watched them become a part of  our growing family.

i have said it before, and i will say it again......life doesn't get much better than this. it doesn't matter what is going on in the world, how much stress and pressure we all feel over things, at the end of the day, we have the love of our family, love for our family and all the grace and mercy god pours out on us!
today, tell someone how much you love them, hold someone close, drown yourself in the love they give back. sit still, watch them quietly, i guarantee you will find a smile slowly building around the corners of your mouth soon to show in your eyes until your heart is full of so much love and joy, you want to sing and dance.
family.....wow, i feel like the most blessed person in the world!

celebration and more anticipation

yesterday, i had the opportunity to celebrate misty, jeremy and elliot garrison campbell! they were surrounded by family and friends in an unusual setting that fit them perfectly, a bar/cafe! i watched my daughter work the room like only she can! her smile is contagious, her laughter is genuine and her love for family and friends very evident. she is an amazing woman that i have the pleasure of calling my daughter. jeremy is such a wonderful husband that cherishes my little girl! i never got my hopes up that they would have kids...they weren't sure about having any.  i am so grateful for this gift from god.

as a grandma, i couldn't be happier! both of my kids having babies a couple of months apart will triple my joy! as a daughter, mother and an aunt, i am overjoyed to be in the company of all my kids, my niece desiree, her daughter harper and my parents. mom and dad are here to meet abram crosley moore, bobbie and sasha's newborn and spend time with caroline. they will return in october to meet elliot!

my baby is having a baby...i can't wait to meet you elliot!

my heart grows

he is here! abram crosley moore. what an amazing little boy. his name comes from  the covenants god made with his people centuries ago. he came into the world with scripture being read by his father and his aunt. how amazing is that in itself. we anxiously awaited his arrival and he made his entrance into this world as if he was always here. my heart has doubled in size. this sweet little boy has already captured his grandmas heart. he is everything and yet he is only a couple of days old. he will learn that he has a big sister that will protect him and take up for him at all cost. he will learn that he is loved by many and that his family is most important, he will learn that his father is the head of his home and that he loves the lord, and that his mother is the spitting image of a proverbs 31 woman. we will learn together what a relationship between grandma and grandson will be. he may or may not like popsicles like his sister. but he will have his own special relationship with me that cannot be shared by anyone. i love you abram! forever you will know that i am your grandma. you will always have a safe place in my arms. i will rock you, i will love you, i will sing you songs until we find one that is our own. you can come to me anytime, even if you may not know that is where you need to be, in the loving arms of your grandma, who loves you no matter what. welcome to my world abram. i hope you feel the love i have for you and your sister. it is almost as immeasurable as the love jesus has for you. may he be your shining star always, and may your parents and i show you just a little bit of his love for you.

anticipation....

an-tic-i-pa-tion (an-tis-uh-pey-shuhn)

the act of anticipating or the state of being anticipated

realization in advance; fortaste

expectation or hope

previous notion; slight previous impression

intuition or foreknowledge

for most of my generation, you are hearing carly simon right about now! i am most anxiously awaiting the arrival of my first grandson and later this summer, my second grandson! they will join caroline as my treasures and my joy. i have had dreams in the past that have been shattered, stepped on and thrown in the trash. but these dreams i have now, these anticipations of caroline, her brother and her cousin (names to come!) are the dreams of the wonderful ride i am on as a grandma! dreams of what i know to be true. having been disappointed by expectations i have learned only to anticipate what is to come and to be ready when it happens. 

last christmas, i received a gift from sasha and bobbie that made my heart swell. i got the picture i wanted to put in it and have put it up in the wall where it belongs. above is a picture and this is what it says: 

 hold her a little longer, play 

guitar with her on the floor, 

give her a popsicle

 and then a million 

more. rub her back 

while she sleeps, cherish her 

every smile, she is only a child 

for just a little while. 

this is the joy i know! these are the dreams i have of the future. just time. time spent with the open heart of a child that loves me unconditionally. the anticipation of spending time with two little boys running wide open is already a dream, a dream i have already experienced with caroline. it doesn't matter how long i have left on this earth (an hour or another 30 yrs) i have been blessed with just this anticipation. i was thinking though, how much more does god anticipate our time spent with him?

waiting patiently for us to talk to him, just to give him our time. caroline is in the "why" stage, asking about everything. she is so hungry for information about anything. constantly talking and laughing making my heart smile. i am going to make an effort to take more time talking and laughing with my father. thanking him for all the little things, the morning coffee that smells so good, the moon as it shines surrounded by a ring of clouds, for the beauty of the green leaves on the trees against a vibrant blue sky. for the answered prayer, praising him for his amazing grace and mercy he so freely gives, worship him with song. i want the same anticipation for spending time with him that i have with my grandkids. "good morning lord, how about some one on one today?"

alba

i had the wonderful opportunity growing up to have a foreign exchange student live with us my sophomore year in high school. she was from paraguay. after the disappointment of not having some male student from europe, i accepted the fact that i was to have a girl from south america come to live with us. she had her english translation book that she carried everywhere. she actually learned english very quickly, with three of us in twin beds in a room, we got to know each other very quickly. she showed me how with strength and determination you could accomplish anything! we spent the year learning about each other and each others cultures. in 1989 i visited her with my sister in paraguay. it was hot and the luxuries we count on every day were not readily available there. it was very different than what we were used to. very third world living, down to the donkey delivering the milk each day. and come to find out, the medical world was very third world. she developed breast cancer and had no resources for treatment. my parents had the drugs she needed for chemo mailed to her. as a survivor of the same desease, years later, this haunts me. i had the medical treatment i needed and survived. she didn't and she died. she died from the very disease that i had. i don't know why, i just know it is. i am so blessed to be alive today, to enjoy my kids, caroline and the two precious boys to come. but i know that if she were her today, she would be so proud of her daughters and son. what amazing kids, to have lost both their parents in such a short time, to become amazing adults. i don't know why we are availed different treatments in different parts of the world. no, it isn't fair. yes it is wrong. my heart breaks for every daughter and son that loses their mom to this terrible disease. but i know she is looking down on her kids smiling! knowing that she left them strong, as strong as she was, to carry on. i miss you alba, you were my sister and i wish we could share stories about our grandkids together. you taught me tolerance and love. and to laugh at the little things. i hope you are looking down smiling, maybe even laughing that wonderful laugh! i love you sweet lady!

for the record!

i am serving on jury duty this week! i actually count it as a privilege to do so, plus the fact that i don't have to go to work, i can crochet and play on the ipad as i wait. it has been a long time since i served on a jury. to really think about having the responsibility to judge anothers actions is a bit scary. of course then there are all the questions you have to answer in order to be selected. and all of those answers are on the record. only i would have to be honest about using drugs and thinking pot should be legal...seriously, out loud after he said my name, only i answered that question with a yes, the rest of the 29 folks said no. but being in the courtroom with the judges and attorneys, i got an idea of why sasha is a lawyer. i love seeing the truth win, and justice given. but i find that i may not be the right person for this job. i tend to always side with the underdog and always look for redemption. as i am writing this, i realize the redemption given to me, from god, from my family, from myself. no matter what our situation in life, redemption is always available. yes, we still have to suffer the consequences, but there is always redemption. jesus redeemed all of our sins, past, present and future, when he died on the cross. there is nothing we can do to keep him from loving us. when one of us loses our way, he always leaves the flock to find us and return us to his loving arms. so, right here, right now, i admit to using drugs and thinking pot should be legalized for medicinal purposes for the record. right here, right now, for the record....i have been redeemed!

the woman of my son's heart

"therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. so they are no longer two but one" mark 10

they are no longer two but one! they became three, yet they are still one family! my heart is overwhelmed this morning as i look through pictures of this amazing family. brought together with love by their father in heaven, and grew with the joyous caroline! next year there will be a family of four walking on the beach, holding each other up as they go. i had the opportunity to spend yesterday morning to celebrate bobbie and my grandson! over the years i have come to love her as my own. she is an amazing woman of god! a wonderful wife to my son, and has his heart! and a gentle, loving mother to caroline! growing every day in each of her roles, not to mention the growing signs of her son! a mother always dreams of that perfect partner for their children! my son has that in this gracious woman of god! which makes this mother extremely grateful!

what a difference a year makes

ok folks, here it is. my before picture. it has been almost a year since that picture was taken. not only was my body a mess, my spirit was broken. i was unhappy, depressed, in pain constantly and couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror. i was so ashamed of who i had become and of my inner self for letting me become this person.

 

i know i posted this picture last week, but it is worth posting again. i am 85 pounds less and happier than i have ever been. i am no longer in pain. i can climb stairs, play in the floor, build sand castles, get up out of a chair and walk for hours. i can look in the mirror and say to myself "good morning self, you are a beautiful and wonderful woman" with no doubt and no shame of whom i have become.

i have worked hard to get where i am today and will continue to work until i reach my goal of 100 pounds. i have not done this alone though. god was with me all the way. the dieting, the pain from surgery and rehab, and the complete healing of body and soul, it was only by his grace that i could do this. only by his grace that i will continue to do this, to live again. i was so dead inside of my depression, i knew how to crawl out but i needed his pushing and pulling, and finally giving in to his grace and forgivenss, i found myself again.

psalms 145

1 I will extol you, my God and King, and bless your name forever and ever.

2 Every day I will bless you and praise your name forever and ever.

3 Great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable.

4 One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts.

5 On the glorious splendor of your majesty, and on your wondrous works, I will meditate.

6 They shall speak of the might of your awesome deeds, and I will declare your greatness.

7 They shall pour forth the fame of your abundant goodness and shall sing aloud of your righteousness.

8 The LORD is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

9 The LORD is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.

 

his mercy is over all that he has made....and he has made me. i know that even when i didn't love myself, he loved me anyway. today, i sing his praises and give him all the glory, for healing my spirit and showering me with his mercy.

through the eyes of a child

remember when we were young? when we thought grown ups were so smart? when we believed everything they told us? when faith in others was always there? then we grew older and we started to see that grown ups didn't know everything. that they had their doubts, that our grandparents were only people just like us? that the world was a place to be explored and questioned? remember when we thought we had all the answers, only to find out that we didn't know anything? when we had kids of our own? and really didn't know anything? that this perfect little human being was all your responsibility and nothing you did would matter more? and then..... all of a sudden they were grown and you were older, really older. they had kids of their own, and all of a sudden i am the grandparent....wow, how did that happen? really, how did that happen? my kids are having kids of their own. i am a grandma! how did i not know that this time in my life could be so great? so enlightening? so awesome? i have found out as i got older the less and less i knew. i found out that a little girl and all of her why's and what's could make me think i knew nothing at all. why is it raining grandma? why does it thunder and lightning grandma? why isn't it thunder and lightning grandma? why are there clouds in the sky grandma? why does the moon shine grandma? where do the stars come from grandma? why do the birds sing grandma? you get the hint, i know nothing! how did i get to be 53 yrs old and not know any of these answers? because they have never been important before. but to a 4 yr old they are valid questions. none of which i have the answers to. all i have is "i don't know sweetie". i am sure that someday she will know all the answers to all her questions. the only thing i know is that i love her, and that she knows that i love her and she will remain the world to me. someday she will learn that i really didn't know everything and neither did her parents. the only thing we all know for sure was that we love her dearly. and that love would continue until the end of time. so for you sweet, sweet girl, i love you and know that someday you will find out that, that is the only thing i knew for sure. it is up to you sweet caroline to find out the answers to the universe, and why grandma loves you so much! for only one has loved me like you have, only god in heaven!

is this heaven?

i have spent the last few days at the beach, the pool, walking, swimming, sitting on the floor playing pop the pig, fishing, watching, listening, laughing, singing, making sand castles, splashing in the ocean, driving the cart like a crazy driver down the aisle at the grocery store.... all with caroline by my side and without pain! sasha and bobbie have given me the pleasure of joining them on their last vacation before the baby comes.

this little brave girl rode a zipline high above the ground without hesitation. oh to have the faith of a child. there have been times in my life when i had no faith left and was far from brave. during those times i felt far away from god. looking back i realize i couldn't see him because he was behind me, lifting me up so i would not crash to the ground, kind of like falling from a zipline. i hear people say that god will never give you more than you can handle, i think he does give us more in order to show how much we need him by our side to help us through the rough times. to carry us when we can no longer walk on our own.

i also think that there are seasons in our life when he gives us so much joy, happiness, fulfills dreams and gives us so much love we can hardly take it in. that is where my heart is today, overflowing with so much i can't hold it in. the beauty i see outside my window here could only have come from his careful planning. the sounds of the birds, crickets and frogs are overwhelming, talking to each other i imagine, maybe listening to me and caroline talk and laugh as we play a game of pop the pig. the honeysuckles and flowers give off an amazing cleansing aroma that fills my senses. the stars at night are so bright and numerous, you know that only he could have placed each one there.

look at her! throwing sand back into the sea. laughing and running around, feeling that all is right in her world! she is so loved. i have watched bobbie and sasha interact with her like parents should. sometimes i tend to be the overly protective grandma...well maybe more than sometime... saying be careful more than i need to, and i have been lovingly told so by my son! they are good parents, good kids and will do the same for the precious baby boy bobbie is carrying.

i have had so much pain in my life, physically, mentally, emotionaly and spiritualy, but right now it is only the sting of the sun on my skin that gives me a little pain. my body, my heart, my mind and my spirit are all in the same place...full of joy! the kind of joy you dream about having, the kind that makes your heart sing, makes it feel like your feet aren't touching the ground.

 

the beauty in this picture could only have been painted by god, (and maybe a little photo shop!). he puts everything in exactly the right place. we may not always think that what is going on in our lives is where we are supposed to be, but is is exactly where he wants us to be. so for a few more days, i will be in what i can only call a glimpse of what heaven will be like! my joy has come in the morning for just a few days, and when i go back the the real world, i will always fondly remember and smile when i think about this week. i will be preparing my heart for the two grandsons i will welcome into my world this summer. thank you lord for a little heaven on earth!

 

blessings

this week i have had an overwhelming joy come over me.
i am so thankful for so many things, and i have been so blessed in my life.
i thought i would share as many as i could think of. so, here we go:
*blood that was shed for me
*forgiveness
*grace
*mercy
*joy
*a relationship with god
*healing of my heart
*healing of my body
*my mom and dad who taught me so much and who made it a
  point to spend time with and develop a relationship with my kids
*my grandparents who loved me and prayed for me daily
*my sister and the new relationship we have
*my daughter
*my son
*the fact that they have both made their mama proud
*the other fact that they both live less than 1/2 mile from me
*their wonderful spouses
*my sweet caroline
*she deserves a second mention...
*the two grandsons that will come this summer
*again, the two more grandkids coming this summer
*a church family, who even though we no longer meet,
  still remain in my heart
*an ex husband and his wife whom i remain friends with
*my new knee
*my feet hitting the floor this morning
*owning my own home
*air conditioning
*food to eat
*christmas baking
*a job to go to
*awesome health insurance
*the miracles of modern medicine
*a dependable car
*vacation at the beach
*friends
*yes, even facebook friends that i have reconnected with


all of these blessings and so much more i have to be thankful for.
with mothers day coming up, i can't think of anything i could possible want from anyone.
i did the best i could with what i knew as a mom. i had a great teacher in my mom.
sometimes i didn't do my best, but for the grace of god, my kids continue to be a blessing.
so for new moms, old moms and moms yet to be, celebrate all of your blessings this week!

pollyanna

you know those times you ask god to speak to you, and when you finally start listening, you hear something you really didn't want to hear? i have been searching for ways to improve my walk and grow closer to him, to be able to hear him. so, when i was silent and really listened, i heard from him. it wasn't what i wanted to hear. in a still soft voice to my heart...which was louder than anything i have heard in a long time.."stop looking for the worst in other christians". it hit me right up side my head. i usually try to see the good in everyone, except those that are my brothers and sisters in christ. in those, i try to see something wrong, something they may be doing that doesn't live up to MY expectations. who am i to question or judge anyone, let alone my fellow christians. so i have been searching for the "glad passages". the ones pollyanna told the preacher about. the preacher was so focused on all the bad, he failed to see the good and the glad. pollyanna is one of my favorite movies, even now in my 50's. she sees the good in everyone and everything. i probably need to watch it again, to remind me of another time and place when i was innocent and my mind wasn't cluttered.
lord, help me to see the good in everything you have made. may you continue to teach me and mold me into the woman you have designed me to be. make me aware of when i am judging, criticizing, and just being mean. turn my heart to you, and let me be glad!

he sees a miracle!

seven years...it has been seven years since i heard the words "you have cancer"! not once during that time did i question god "why me?". i heard a singer say "when we look in the mirror, we see what we want to see! when god looks at us, he sees a mirror". i am a miracle in more ways than just surviving breast cancer. i am a daughter, a sister, a mother, a grandmother, an aunt, a great aunt and ms kim to many! i see each one of these as a miracle. i am getting two new grandchildren this year. i am walking without pain with my new knee! i am 81 pounds lighter than a year ago. i have a mirror as i walk out the door, a gift from my sister and parents, so i can look at my reflection through gods eyes. i am beautiful, i am worthy of suffering, i am blessed by forgivness, grace and mercy! for each morning when my feet hit the floor, i am a miracle! so my question is "why not me?". my whole life has been a journey to where i am today. and today, i am laughing and leaping and praising god for his miracle that i call me!

the curtain

"and the curtain was torn" in that moment, jesus was apart from god. in that moment, the anguish, despair, the agony and the pain, was for me. for all my sin, for my transgressions, for my idolatry, for me. just for me. i killed him and he let me. no questions asked, he just did. was i worthy, no. was i deserving, no. did he deserve it, no. a man with no sin in his heart, took all of mine, without question. the curtain was torn! in order for me to enter the realm of our lord, the curtain had to be removed. in order for my eternal salvation, he had to die for me, just for me. and even today, his grace and mercy are available to me no matter what. all my shortcomings, my sins, my transgressions he bore on that cross of long ago. and today, he is living in me. no, i don't deserve it, but he gives me grace anyway. his mercy is ever present as i walk through this world. for god so loved the whole world, he gave his only son, just for me. i am his miracle. he sees me as his miracle! reserection sunday is upon us! let us rejoice and be glad! for the reason of christianity isn't the birth of jesus, it is his resurection! he died for me! he rose so that i would also rise again! to spend an eternity with my lord, my savior! oh happy day!

keeping secrets!

i am the worlds worst at keeping secrets! my kids know that i can't keep my mouth shut, especially when they tell me not to tell anyone! they are right most of the time, but not this time! misty and i go out to dinner every couple of weeks to have alone time with each other. the 2nd week in february we had made plans for thursday nite. she called and said that jeremy was going to join us. (he never joins us!) they came by to pick me up, but they both jumped out of the car. misty had to go use the bathroom before we left and jeremy followed her up the stairs (what was this about). when she came back in the living room, she asked it i was going to sit down, (started wondering  now). then they told me they were pregnant!!!! my baby is having a baby! and "oh mom, you can't tell anyone"......i saw trouble right away! me, keep a secret? could i do it? only renay, pam, cathy and steve knew, no one else. i needed to wait a week before they told sasha and bobbie, but i had to wait 5 weeks to talk about it to my family. it was the hardest secret i have ever kept (it may be the only secret i have ever kept!). i talk to my mom at least 3 or 4 times a week and she would ask how misty and jeremy were doing and i just said they were doing great and quickly changed the subject. finally, everyone knows, and i am able to breathe!
in case you didn't catch it, both of my kids are expecting this year. sasha, a boy in july, and misty in september. i will have 2 new babies to love on! they will join caroline in my little world of joy  (i may need a new recliner to hold all 3 of them)! i remember the unspoken prayer i prayed 7 years ago when i found out i had cancer...lord, please let me hold my first grandchild. he has answered that prayer and so much more. today i raise my hands with praise and thank you! so much love, so much joy! i am really liking this season of my life!!! thank you lord, for everything! (i am still not a fan of secrets!)

stronger in the broken places

these lyrics are from a song by mark harris.

Light shines the brightest 

In the moment of our desperation 

Hope somehow rises 

Through the rubble of our desolation 

There's a calm in the storm 

Though the winds around us rage 

So I hold to the truth 

You will bring me through 

The darkest of my days 

There is beauty in the suffering 

Hope can heal what hurt embraces 

Through it all I know you're making me 

Stronger in the broken places 

the words have been stuck in my mind and heart all week. over and over, waking up from a dead sleep, singing as i would wake up, driving in the car it would play on the radio. god knew i needed these words and put them in my head at a moment when i was feeling sorry for myself. 35 yrs ago today at the ripe old age of 18, i got married. that marriage officially ended 12 yrs ago, but the truth is that it ended much earlier than that. it took me a long time to figure things out. i have been reflecting on how i have much i have grown up, how much i have changed. enter this song!  i am so far from the person i thought i should be at this time in my life, yet, i am exactly who i am supposed to be. i see how much i have learned to love myself like my father loves me. i truly am stronger in the broken places. i am sure there are going to be days, weeks and months when the winds around me rage, but i can hold on to the truth. the truth that he has already brought me through  my darkest days. the truth that he gives me hope to heal the hurt that will embrace me. the past 35 yrs i have learned that god is always there, and if i keep my eyes on him, he will never let me down. so, pity party is over! i can't wait to see what he has in store for me next!

to the leftovers

one of my favorite things to do is crochet. to take a ball of yarn and with my own hands make it into something warm and comfortable for another person.over the last 20 years i have made more baby blankets and hats than i can remember, and sometimes when i think of gifts to give people i can't remember if i have made an afghan for them yet. i have made hats and scarves for so many that i have forgotten them too. in all this time i have never made one for me and kept it. the last couple of months i decided to make one for myself. to use all my leftover yarn from some of my gifts to create something for me. i wasn't sure what it would look like, but i didn't care. i wanted one for my bed, so i made one. above is my blanket. you can see the yarn from some of the baby blankets in the middle, and the other colors from the many blankets i have make for my loved ones. no big deal, just the leftovers. isn't it beautiful?
during this weight loss period of my life, i am going for counseling. during my last session, i was talking about my blanket and she made the comment "you now think enough about yourself to finally make a blanket for yourself. you have spent all this time doing for everyone else and forgetting about yourself,and now you have finally learned to think of yourself as important, to love yourself as you have loved others, you are worthy." wow, can i just say my jaw dropped as i realized she was right. the discovery that i am truly happy about who i am. that for my entire life, i have never felt like this. after years and years of faking it and wearing so many masks, i have taken them off and have become a real person. the leftovers. i am who i am today because of all the leftovers. the little pieces of everyone, that are woven into me. the little pieces that all fit so perfectly together now into the woman i have become. the woman that god had in mind when he first thought of me. this woman, who was  broken and shattered into so many pieces, only he could put me back together, thread by thread, the way i was meant to be. full of love for him, myself and others. me, right there in the middle, between all that he created me to be and you, all that you allow me to be.
beautiful leftovers......sometimes they are the best part of life!

a grandson

i remember when i found out i was pregnant with sasha, i cried. and i cried with a sadness that i couldn't possible love this new baby as much as i did this precious little 8 month old baby girl of mine. of course i worried about it for  the whole pregnancy. how could i possibly love this baby as much as misty? and then i gave birth to a baby boy. i can only say that in that moment i understood that i could love this baby boy as much as my daughter. my heart swelled and grew as i suddenly had all the room i needed for this little boy to take hold of. of course everyone knows about mothers and sons....we tend to spoil them, and i did. sorry bobbie, i know you are paying for it now!



it is funny that i never had this thought when i found out i was going to be a grandma again. i knew, i really knew that my heart would grow and swell big enough to hold all the love i needed to give this new baby. yesterday i found out i was going to have a grandson, and immediately i felt my heart grow and swell. over the next few months it will be so full i won't be able to contain myself until i can hold this sweet baby boy in my arms. in the meantime, i will continue to love on my sweet caroline. she isn't so happy about it being a baby brother right now. i know that i will give each of my grandchildren all the love they can hold in their hearts, and of course all the popsicles they can eat!

it was after misty was born that i would think about how much my parents loved me, how much more god loved me. now 33 yrs later i continue to realize he has always loved me, even before i was born. now i sometimes think how could god love me that much, with everything i seem to get wrong, my screw ups and especially during those dark days when i went looking in other places for my salvation. then i realize, no matter what my kids do i will always love them, and so much more than that, he will always love me. jesus loves me this i do know, and not just cuz the bible tells me so!

what love has to do with it!

anyone who knows me knows that in 2005 i was diagnosed with breast cancer. the above is a picture taken after my first chemo treatment of an amazing bunch of people. each one pictured volunteered to have their head shaved in honor of me, in loving me. that expression of love and support was truly a gift. i carry this picture with me always. as a reminder of that love, of god's healing power, and as a way to share my story. i had no idea that this would lead to another’s obedience to god. last year, i decided to loose the weight i needed to get a knee replacement. i had heard a radio personality rave about medifast. i emailed her and asked her if it really did work and was it difficult. she encouraged me to go and check it out. well 70 pounds and 72.5 inches later, a new knee that is amazing, god is still using this picture to speak. one of the counselors that i had never met before, saw me a few weeks ago. i had heard her name from the radio personality, but didn't know who she was. during our talk (everyone knows how i love to share my story) i pull out this picture. she gets teary eyed and said "there is a specific reason you are sitting in front of me right now". ok i said, and she continued to tell me about how her mother-in-law is dealing with cancer. about how she used her hair to hide behind. how it had become a pride issue with her, and how god had placed this on her heart: that she was to shave her head! the picture above was confirmation! wow, i heard a radio personality, i go to medifast to lose weight, this same woman has named a counselor there and god uses a picture in my purse to confirm her conviction. cancer, radio personality, medifast, radio personality's counselor, cancer pic. i am amazed at how he works, every time! if you have never heard me say it, cancer is the best thing that has ever happened to me. it has allowed me to share gods love, healing, grace and mercy with others and has humbled me to know how he continues to work with me, through me. love has everything to do with it, and although i have a hard time knowing when god is speaking and when it is just me talking, i know that when confirmation comes, his love overwhelms. 

seeing a bit more clearly

ok, i went to the mega church and didn't die. i did however have a major anxiety attack. so many people, i felt like i was at disneyland or a major concert. weaving through the people in order to find our seats, i kept breathing deep and praying. i sat down, bowed my head and prayed some more. i really do not like big crowds and this was definitely as hard as i thought it would be.  but, once in my seat, deep breathing stopped and a calmness came over me. we started singing, an although i wasn't overwhelmed by the first couple of songs, by the third song i started praising with lifted hands. jesus was there with me, because this is something i could not do on my own. singing, praying and listening to a bible based sermon i met him there. i am going to give this a try, and not make any judgement after only one visit. i will continue to pray for guidance and for my struggle to be obedient in these situations (lots of people around). actually, i struggle to be obedient in a lot more areas of my life. i get devotionals by email every day. today in two different emails i see a pattern:
  "because you know that your labor in the lord is not in vain. 1st corinthians 15
  "and then i will be able to boast on the day of christ that i did not run or labor in vain. philippians 2 
definitely a pattern: my labor will not be in vain. wow! don't you ever feel like everything you do really doesn't matter? that no one really cares or notices? i know i do, all the time. but now i see, that christ sees it all and it really isn't in vain, that it really matters.
i still have some splinters left poking me in the eye that need some attention, but that will always be an on going thing. on this matter though, a huge portion is out and i can see a bit more clearly. so, i will be at that mega church this sunday, just a little bit earlier, and will do so knowing it won't be in vain.

a plank extraction

i have this huge plank poking in my eye making it difficult to see. so, in an effort to remove the plank, i am trying to let go of preconceptions of a mega-church, thus, the plank. i have made comments, downright bad ones, about a certain mega-church in my town. i know some people that go there and am not too fond of the way i percieve them to be, self rightous and judgemental. ouch, i really did just write that! so now you see my plank. this sunday i am going to go to this church and ask that god take down my walls, and remove my plank. what if? what if this is a place he wants me right now? it seems the last few churches i have attended have dissolved or moved out of my area and find myself again, still, looking for a church. i guess i actually need to physically look by walking through the doors instead of looking for reasons why i can't. so, if you are reading this, please pray that the walls i have put up around me, my own self rightousnes, and that huge plank stuck in my eye will be dealt with. man, i really hate when i am right about my wrongs!

salvation, mercy and grace

in my reading this morning i read something that jumped off the page and hit me right in the face! "salvation is not rooted in the merit of man, but in the mercy of god" and "if i am saved by grace, then i am kept by grace" i excepted jesus into my heart in my youth. i strayed far, far away for a long time. but now i understand that his grace always covered me, his mercy was forever present, and my salvation was still intact. only because of his wonderful mercy and grace was that true. i sin everyday, i guess we all do, and even in my sin, his grace is covering me....wrapping my heart around that one takes a bit of time. again, everyday in my sin his grace is covering me. wow! this isn't a new revelation to me, it is just now i really know this in my heart, much different than just in my head. over and over we hear "write these words on your head and on your heart". jesus loves me this i know! this i know! but jesus covers me with his grace, this i continue to learn. we have all been hurt, and hurt others, there is no reaction when it comes to gods grace, only the constant action of pouring it over us. oh, how i long to show his grace to others! to show his mercy, and in my feeble ability to give it from myself, i can only give it through him.

the following are lyrics from a song called "from the inside out"

"A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine
when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes
beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out"

o my soul cries out! let your soul cry out and experience salvation, mercy and grace.

dreams fulfilled and new dreams found

it always amazes me to see a dream fulfilled, even if it isn't exactly the picture of the dream you had. as a kid, i dreamed of the thing little girls always dream of. married, kids, grandkids and life happily ever after. we all know it isn't that easy. when dreams are crashed into the ground and i forget the promises god gave me, i am devastated. when dreams are crashed into the ground and i remember the promises god gave me, i know that dream wasn't exactly where he wanted my life to be headed. this past christmas with my family was a dream come true in his own way. i spent the day with renay and caroline shopping, eating lunch, singing in the car as we drove from place to place. no, we aren't married anymore, but we both love this little girl so much, that our broken marriage is forgotten and we just love this little girl together.
christmas morning, i make german pancakes for everyone, even vegan ones for misty and jeremy, just like my dad did when i was growing up. only the picture of all of us together wasn't in my dreams long ago, but it was exactly what god had planned before i was born. misty, jeremy, sasha, bobbie, caroline, renay, pam and ms p. my family, all of them. strange family dynamics i know, but it works for us. god's healing of my heart has been amazing.

another dream fulfilled this past year was my knee replacement. no longer am i in constant pain. i am now a functioning humam being, i haven't felt like this in decades. my weight loss dream is being fulfilled daily. my dream of looking in the mirror and actually liking the person has been fulfilled. i will become grandma to a new grandchild this year. dreams fulfilled!

new dreams found are finding a church that is exactly where god wants me to be; to find new friends; maybe find a man who loves god as much as i do that wants to share my life; to grow in word and heart. become more of who i am supposed to be, who god has always planned for me to be. most of my dreams are filled with love, something i have no shortage of!

so 2012, let me start walking and break out into a run, and to remember that life's simple things can sometimes become life's greatest blessings. and that the pain we feel now will only be followed by our joy in the morning!

i first heard this song last year. it is called "blessings" by laura story. it really touched my heart and made me see things differently. may god place on your heart the need to draw closer to him this next year, i know he has placed that desire on mine.


'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise