seeing a bit more clearly

ok, i went to the mega church and didn't die. i did however have a major anxiety attack. so many people, i felt like i was at disneyland or a major concert. weaving through the people in order to find our seats, i kept breathing deep and praying. i sat down, bowed my head and prayed some more. i really do not like big crowds and this was definitely as hard as i thought it would be.  but, once in my seat, deep breathing stopped and a calmness came over me. we started singing, an although i wasn't overwhelmed by the first couple of songs, by the third song i started praising with lifted hands. jesus was there with me, because this is something i could not do on my own. singing, praying and listening to a bible based sermon i met him there. i am going to give this a try, and not make any judgement after only one visit. i will continue to pray for guidance and for my struggle to be obedient in these situations (lots of people around). actually, i struggle to be obedient in a lot more areas of my life. i get devotionals by email every day. today in two different emails i see a pattern:
  "because you know that your labor in the lord is not in vain. 1st corinthians 15
  "and then i will be able to boast on the day of christ that i did not run or labor in vain. philippians 2 
definitely a pattern: my labor will not be in vain. wow! don't you ever feel like everything you do really doesn't matter? that no one really cares or notices? i know i do, all the time. but now i see, that christ sees it all and it really isn't in vain, that it really matters.
i still have some splinters left poking me in the eye that need some attention, but that will always be an on going thing. on this matter though, a huge portion is out and i can see a bit more clearly. so, i will be at that mega church this sunday, just a little bit earlier, and will do so knowing it won't be in vain.

a plank extraction

i have this huge plank poking in my eye making it difficult to see. so, in an effort to remove the plank, i am trying to let go of preconceptions of a mega-church, thus, the plank. i have made comments, downright bad ones, about a certain mega-church in my town. i know some people that go there and am not too fond of the way i percieve them to be, self rightous and judgemental. ouch, i really did just write that! so now you see my plank. this sunday i am going to go to this church and ask that god take down my walls, and remove my plank. what if? what if this is a place he wants me right now? it seems the last few churches i have attended have dissolved or moved out of my area and find myself again, still, looking for a church. i guess i actually need to physically look by walking through the doors instead of looking for reasons why i can't. so, if you are reading this, please pray that the walls i have put up around me, my own self rightousnes, and that huge plank stuck in my eye will be dealt with. man, i really hate when i am right about my wrongs!

salvation, mercy and grace

in my reading this morning i read something that jumped off the page and hit me right in the face! "salvation is not rooted in the merit of man, but in the mercy of god" and "if i am saved by grace, then i am kept by grace" i excepted jesus into my heart in my youth. i strayed far, far away for a long time. but now i understand that his grace always covered me, his mercy was forever present, and my salvation was still intact. only because of his wonderful mercy and grace was that true. i sin everyday, i guess we all do, and even in my sin, his grace is covering me....wrapping my heart around that one takes a bit of time. again, everyday in my sin his grace is covering me. wow! this isn't a new revelation to me, it is just now i really know this in my heart, much different than just in my head. over and over we hear "write these words on your head and on your heart". jesus loves me this i know! this i know! but jesus covers me with his grace, this i continue to learn. we have all been hurt, and hurt others, there is no reaction when it comes to gods grace, only the constant action of pouring it over us. oh, how i long to show his grace to others! to show his mercy, and in my feeble ability to give it from myself, i can only give it through him.

the following are lyrics from a song called "from the inside out"

"A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine
when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes
beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out"

o my soul cries out! let your soul cry out and experience salvation, mercy and grace.

dreams fulfilled and new dreams found

it always amazes me to see a dream fulfilled, even if it isn't exactly the picture of the dream you had. as a kid, i dreamed of the thing little girls always dream of. married, kids, grandkids and life happily ever after. we all know it isn't that easy. when dreams are crashed into the ground and i forget the promises god gave me, i am devastated. when dreams are crashed into the ground and i remember the promises god gave me, i know that dream wasn't exactly where he wanted my life to be headed. this past christmas with my family was a dream come true in his own way. i spent the day with renay and caroline shopping, eating lunch, singing in the car as we drove from place to place. no, we aren't married anymore, but we both love this little girl so much, that our broken marriage is forgotten and we just love this little girl together.
christmas morning, i make german pancakes for everyone, even vegan ones for misty and jeremy, just like my dad did when i was growing up. only the picture of all of us together wasn't in my dreams long ago, but it was exactly what god had planned before i was born. misty, jeremy, sasha, bobbie, caroline, renay, pam and ms p. my family, all of them. strange family dynamics i know, but it works for us. god's healing of my heart has been amazing.

another dream fulfilled this past year was my knee replacement. no longer am i in constant pain. i am now a functioning humam being, i haven't felt like this in decades. my weight loss dream is being fulfilled daily. my dream of looking in the mirror and actually liking the person has been fulfilled. i will become grandma to a new grandchild this year. dreams fulfilled!

new dreams found are finding a church that is exactly where god wants me to be; to find new friends; maybe find a man who loves god as much as i do that wants to share my life; to grow in word and heart. become more of who i am supposed to be, who god has always planned for me to be. most of my dreams are filled with love, something i have no shortage of!

so 2012, let me start walking and break out into a run, and to remember that life's simple things can sometimes become life's greatest blessings. and that the pain we feel now will only be followed by our joy in the morning!

i first heard this song last year. it is called "blessings" by laura story. it really touched my heart and made me see things differently. may god place on your heart the need to draw closer to him this next year, i know he has placed that desire on mine.


'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise