to the leftovers

one of my favorite things to do is crochet. to take a ball of yarn and with my own hands make it into something warm and comfortable for another person.over the last 20 years i have made more baby blankets and hats than i can remember, and sometimes when i think of gifts to give people i can't remember if i have made an afghan for them yet. i have made hats and scarves for so many that i have forgotten them too. in all this time i have never made one for me and kept it. the last couple of months i decided to make one for myself. to use all my leftover yarn from some of my gifts to create something for me. i wasn't sure what it would look like, but i didn't care. i wanted one for my bed, so i made one. above is my blanket. you can see the yarn from some of the baby blankets in the middle, and the other colors from the many blankets i have make for my loved ones. no big deal, just the leftovers. isn't it beautiful?
during this weight loss period of my life, i am going for counseling. during my last session, i was talking about my blanket and she made the comment "you now think enough about yourself to finally make a blanket for yourself. you have spent all this time doing for everyone else and forgetting about yourself,and now you have finally learned to think of yourself as important, to love yourself as you have loved others, you are worthy." wow, can i just say my jaw dropped as i realized she was right. the discovery that i am truly happy about who i am. that for my entire life, i have never felt like this. after years and years of faking it and wearing so many masks, i have taken them off and have become a real person. the leftovers. i am who i am today because of all the leftovers. the little pieces of everyone, that are woven into me. the little pieces that all fit so perfectly together now into the woman i have become. the woman that god had in mind when he first thought of me. this woman, who was  broken and shattered into so many pieces, only he could put me back together, thread by thread, the way i was meant to be. full of love for him, myself and others. me, right there in the middle, between all that he created me to be and you, all that you allow me to be.
beautiful leftovers......sometimes they are the best part of life!

a grandson

i remember when i found out i was pregnant with sasha, i cried. and i cried with a sadness that i couldn't possible love this new baby as much as i did this precious little 8 month old baby girl of mine. of course i worried about it for  the whole pregnancy. how could i possibly love this baby as much as misty? and then i gave birth to a baby boy. i can only say that in that moment i understood that i could love this baby boy as much as my daughter. my heart swelled and grew as i suddenly had all the room i needed for this little boy to take hold of. of course everyone knows about mothers and sons....we tend to spoil them, and i did. sorry bobbie, i know you are paying for it now!



it is funny that i never had this thought when i found out i was going to be a grandma again. i knew, i really knew that my heart would grow and swell big enough to hold all the love i needed to give this new baby. yesterday i found out i was going to have a grandson, and immediately i felt my heart grow and swell. over the next few months it will be so full i won't be able to contain myself until i can hold this sweet baby boy in my arms. in the meantime, i will continue to love on my sweet caroline. she isn't so happy about it being a baby brother right now. i know that i will give each of my grandchildren all the love they can hold in their hearts, and of course all the popsicles they can eat!

it was after misty was born that i would think about how much my parents loved me, how much more god loved me. now 33 yrs later i continue to realize he has always loved me, even before i was born. now i sometimes think how could god love me that much, with everything i seem to get wrong, my screw ups and especially during those dark days when i went looking in other places for my salvation. then i realize, no matter what my kids do i will always love them, and so much more than that, he will always love me. jesus loves me this i do know, and not just cuz the bible tells me so!

what love has to do with it!

anyone who knows me knows that in 2005 i was diagnosed with breast cancer. the above is a picture taken after my first chemo treatment of an amazing bunch of people. each one pictured volunteered to have their head shaved in honor of me, in loving me. that expression of love and support was truly a gift. i carry this picture with me always. as a reminder of that love, of god's healing power, and as a way to share my story. i had no idea that this would lead to another’s obedience to god. last year, i decided to loose the weight i needed to get a knee replacement. i had heard a radio personality rave about medifast. i emailed her and asked her if it really did work and was it difficult. she encouraged me to go and check it out. well 70 pounds and 72.5 inches later, a new knee that is amazing, god is still using this picture to speak. one of the counselors that i had never met before, saw me a few weeks ago. i had heard her name from the radio personality, but didn't know who she was. during our talk (everyone knows how i love to share my story) i pull out this picture. she gets teary eyed and said "there is a specific reason you are sitting in front of me right now". ok i said, and she continued to tell me about how her mother-in-law is dealing with cancer. about how she used her hair to hide behind. how it had become a pride issue with her, and how god had placed this on her heart: that she was to shave her head! the picture above was confirmation! wow, i heard a radio personality, i go to medifast to lose weight, this same woman has named a counselor there and god uses a picture in my purse to confirm her conviction. cancer, radio personality, medifast, radio personality's counselor, cancer pic. i am amazed at how he works, every time! if you have never heard me say it, cancer is the best thing that has ever happened to me. it has allowed me to share gods love, healing, grace and mercy with others and has humbled me to know how he continues to work with me, through me. love has everything to do with it, and although i have a hard time knowing when god is speaking and when it is just me talking, i know that when confirmation comes, his love overwhelms.