i turned 56 a few weeks ago! i never thought this would be my life at this age. i always thought i would be married, living in our house, with a bunch of grandkids around to spoil. i had no idea that i would be alone, without my own home, living with my son and his family. to say i feel alone in this house seems crazy, but there are times that i long for my own place with someone to share it with!
this past week, caroline and i went through my keepsake box. and boy, did i have some flashbacks! i came across a paper i did for my pshycology class at citrus college. mike hurtado was my teacher. he looked alot like mr kotter on welcome back kotter! i wanted to be a psychiatrist or a psycologist at one point in my life. i felt i could help people in their struggle to be normal, their own normal. yet, i didn't know how to do that myself. i was young, in love and on a journey that i had no idea of where it would land me! so, here i am, on this journey, longing to be a part of something bigger and greater than i can dream about! i also thought i could be a writer, here are some of the poems i have written, some of them a lifetime ago!
"why"
what a word
the question asked most often
yet it never seems to have an answer.
"i'm sorry"
two of the most over used words
some say i'm sorry for anything
not meaning it
"i love you"
just three words
with a thousand different meanings
caring, sharing, fighting, making up,
wondering "why" and most of all
saying you're sorry and meaning it.
"me!"
i'm born
i laugh
i cry
i'll grow up
and then i'll die!
"i'm sorry"
i'm sorry i hurt you, i didn't want to
what did do to make you stray?
all of a sudden you were rude
and not a word passed your lips.
i tried to figure out what i did
but my mind was an empty space.
i'm sorry i hurt you, i didn't want to
i was always so mean and heartless
yet you still hung on to your feelings.
i wanted to reach out to hold you,
to stop the hurt i know i put into your eyes,
but i just couldn't bring myself to it.
i'm sorry i hurt you, i didn't want to
you're really a nice person, and i like you a lot,
but only as i would my best friend.
all i ask is for you to forgive me
and maybe we can be friends
but it is all up to you whether or we can or not
because i'll always be there waiting to say
i'm sorry i hurt you, i didn't want to!
"wow"
i see you, yet you're not there
i long to hold you, yet my arms go right through you
i want to you to hear me, yet you are deaf to my words
i need to listen to you, but you can't speak to me
what's wrong with me? what did i do wrong?
or was it something i finally did right?
all i know is what i feel
and i feel love
for you!
"your eyes"
the color of your eyes
was taken from the sky
and the shape of your jaw
was taken from a stong rock
the softness in your voice
must have been given to you by the sparrow
and the love in your heart
was given to me while i was standing on a rock
under the deep blue sky
talking to a sparrow!
"butterfly"
butterfly landin' on my bicycle
birds are everywhere
wondering how i get along each day
with all my tieals and my cares
not seeing what's ahead of me
avoiding that in my past
waiting for every minute
just to pass me by!
i wrote all of these when i was 18.
i was so young! yet as i read them, i can picture the woman i was then. i am so much more now! next post will be from my next trip to cali! i am going to spend 3 weeks with my family! i will post more poems i have written over the years. i may not be where i thought i would be at this stage of my life, but i am exactly where i am supposed to be!
