getting my life back again

it's been 4 weeks since my surgery and i feel wonderful! this little device is my remote control for my spinal cord stimulator. i have 4 programs that i can increase or decrease the intensity of the stimulator. before the surgery, i was taking four pain pills a day. The pain never went away but the pills would make it tolerable. today, i am loving life. i have more energy and people tell me my face is glowing. no more gloomy gus! when i get home from work i still have energy to play with the kids and to go shopping without hitting the couch first. this little remote has truly given me my life back.

if anyone would have told me a year ago that i would be almost pain free, i wouldn't believe it. god has delivered me from a dreary life of pain. if you have never experienced chronic pain, you won't be able to relate to this at all. 

i keep thinking of all the seasons god has brought me through. thinking i had cancer in my lymph nodes which turned out to be sarcoidosis, numerous sinus surgeries, cancer, betrayal from my marriage, depression, back surgery,  knee replacement, losing my house, filing bankruptcy and the constant pain. through all of these seasons i have come to know that each and every one was getting me ready for today. forgiveness and healing that i have received and given, grace beyond measure and mercy that i so do not deserve. i am excited for this next season of my life and for what god has for me.

 i am so thankful for my children and their spouses, my three wonderful grandchildren, a job with health insurance, a car that is in good shape, and lately my decent health. i have my life back. i feel like i can dream again about the future without seeing it with pain involved. mom and dad will be coming in for thanksgiving. a dream that i had a few years ago will have come alive for me. children laughing and playing outside in misty's backyard, mom and dad just being there and enough food to last a couple of days! i have been blessed more than i deserve, but like my wanting to do for my children, god wants to do so much more for me. not just this thanksgiving, but every day i want to acknowledge all of my blessings. 

Perfect thanksgiving.....maybe not!

I posted this a couple of years ago. as we enter into the season of being thankful, i thought it beared repeating!

the perfect thanksgiving....maybe not!

this time of year can get pretty stressful. expectations this time of year lead to disappointment and heartbreaks. why is it we take one day a year, and make that day the day when everything has to be just right? the table has to be set with good china, decorations all around the house, mom or grandma the kitchen trying to get everything done just right. some of the family can't make it because they have out of state family to visit...here comes disappointment sneaking up quietly. (my family has 6 parents all living in different places. we have dinner at misty's house with 4 parents, siblings family and those with no family to go to. sasha will spend thanksgiving with bobbies mom and grandma in atlanta.) ok, dinner is on the table....is the turkey cooked enough? is the stuffing just right? great, the food is a success! wait! what was that? you said what? ok, so you won't be here next year? you have to go somewhere else? but it is thanksgiving day, you have to be here on that day! here comes the heartbreak! another hurtful word is spoken, conversation getting heated. you try to diffuse, but the fire storm has started........WAIT PEOPLE! turkey day is just another day to celebrate family. the past month i have spent time with both kids, my sister and my parents. eating, visiting, loving, sharing life together because that is why we do what we do. pressure, stress, disappointment, heartbreak comes with an expectation of a perfect thanksgiving. my favorite thanksgiving growing up was the year my mom, dad, sheila and i went to the trails (restaurant). we didn't have to drive 3-5 hours (it seemed that long) to great grandmas, or grandparents in a rush to get there for the perfect thanksgiving. we just went down the street to eat. we laughed, made way to much noise, just the 4 of us, everyone else in the restaurant disappeared. it was THE PERFECT THANKSGIVING! as a cancer survivor, i am thankful everyday my feet hit the floor. my kids (spouses included) and caroline are my joy. giving the girl in the drive thru a kind word, the angry cashier at the grocery store a smile and a God bless you, giving the guy standing in the rain asking for money an umbrella...giving! THANKSGIVING folks, not a day but a spirit that should be with us year round! a spirit and love God has given to us for free! why keep it to ourselves. this year, make everyday a day of thanks, not just in november and december, but year round. in spreading love and kindness, you can give that one person the hope to live another day. show Jesus everyday! throw your expectations out the window, enjoy what you have and who you have, you might be surprised in the joy of simply loving!

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four days after! and a rest in peace!

it has been a rough four days but  i have endured and god has taught me a great lesson! the surgery went well. i was not in as much pain as i thought i would be in, but painful enough! i hadn't been sleeping much the week before and the first couple nights afterwards. i started to medicate before i thought the pain would come back and i must have lost count and the times i took my pain pills. tuesday morning sasha asked if i was still drunk. misty, bobbie and mom had also noticed i was slurring my words. by wednesday morning i got scared and thought i may have had a stroke. sasha took me to the emergency room and they admitted me that night. after numerous tests and finding all were normal they released me thursday evening! i was so tired i slept for nine hours! enter the guilt. i guess i knew thursday afternoon that this whole ordeal was me over medicating and not sleeping. that will not happen again. through this god showed  me once again that he is in control and i can't handle being in charge. today i am still in quite a bit of pain, but only in the area that they cut me and where they put the battery in. the previous pain from my back problem isn't there anymore. i hope to feel my toes any day now. 

why is it that we feel the need to take over our lives, when time after time we fail, and fail miserably? we are human, but god seems to bring us back to humility with our mistakes and by his amazing grace we are healed inside and out! so, for now, until i feel the need to take on his role again, i am giving it all to him!

on a different note, i lost my uncle this last weekend. uncle monty, my mom's brother. oh how he made me laugh! he reminded me so much of my grandpa in that way! his children are his legacy and he was loved by many! but today i picture him with my grandparents, laughing, telling jokes and dancing with grandma. rip uncle monty, you will be missed by many!

my big day!

today is my big day! i will have a permanent spinal cord stimulator implanted! a few weeks ago i had my trial with the stimulator, it was amazing! for 3 days the only pain i had was from where the wires were coming out of my back and where the needle went in to place the leads!  i am a little bit scared, well, maybe a lot scared! they will be so close to my spine, and the 2 incisions are going to hurt for a couple of weeks! i won't be able to pick up the boys for a long time, but the trade off will be amazing!  i will update as soon as i can? this will be my journal for a few weeks. 

so here we go! 

father's day!

this is my dad!

gordon leroy klassen, born june 19, 1938!

this is just a small portion of his legacy!  he has 2 daughters, 6 grand children, 6 great grand children, 1 granddaughter -in-law,  and 2 grandson-in-laws! and so many adopted children, grand children, and great granchildren i can not name, but they all call him papa! when i think of how many "opportunities" he has had to share the love of jesus with it makes my heart smile! he is always there, even when we don't want him to be, but when we needed him most!

he taught me so many things in life, the greatest of these was the gift of teaching me that my father in heaven loved me! the love of family and friends! friends he has had for as long as i can remember. jim, jan, ray and polly have always been in my life! the friendship he has with them makes one envious of such a long relationship outside of family. the one thing he taught me that changed my life and my way of thinking was "feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are"!  i love you dad! thank you for always being there  for me! 

this is my son!

 sasha renay moore, born on january 21, 1981.

these are his legacy! caroline elayne moore, and abram crosley moore. i am hoping for one more!

sasha always makes me laugh! he always has, and he got away with way too many things growing up! he is kind, loyal, compassionate and if he becomes your friend, you have a friend forever (unless you screw it up real bad!) 

he is a loving son and husband, and is becoming the father i always hoped he would be! i am living with the moore family now, and i get to see first hand what a good dad he is! loving, caring, mostly attentive (electronic toy addiction can sometimes get in the way), playful, he works hard and takes time to have daddy-daughter dates and special father-son time! i love you son, and i want to thank you for being there for me!

this is my son-in-law

michael "jeremy" campbell born february 15, 1978

this is his legacy, elliott garrison campbell! i hope for more here too!

this is his first fathers day!

jeremy is the son-in-law mothers dream of. he loves misty so much! you can see his face when he looks at her that she is the love of his life! he is a gentle man, that teaches at a local high school. he loves music, a good beer, and the red sox! he adores my daughter and his son! i never thought that they would have kids. they led an active life and pretty set in their ways! enter in on son, and life takes a 180 degree turn! 

he had a rough start, but elliott turned jeremy into a baby talking, noise making man!  he delights in spending time with him, and vise versa! elliott loves his dad! the look on both their faces when playing together proves that! he is a man that is content with his life as a new dad on this, his first father's day!

mothers day!

wow, life changes so quickly! it seems like yesterday i was 13, you know, that awkward age when you are discovering who you are, and deciding what you want to do over the summer was the most important thing in life? when even the smallest things could bring tears and heartache. those times when only a mothers hugs and reassuring words of how the world wasn’t going to end and the sun would still come out tomorrow! yes, as scarlett would say “tomorrow is another day”! i had no clue that 8 years from then i would become a mother myself. i always thought i wanted to be a stay at home mom, but that wasn’t for me! i love being a mom! made some major mistakes, but my kids are amazing.

 i look back now 33 years later and am amazed how fast it went. misty and sasha were the kids every parent hopes for. adding jeremy and bobbie to the mix, i now have 4 children and 3 grandchildren; caroline who just turned 5, abram who is 10 months, and elliott who is 8 months. whatever i knew as a mom i learned from my mom and from the instinct god gave me as a mother. mom was a good teacher, loving, caring and always there when i needed her!

 since this is mothers day, i want to tell you about my sweet daughter misty, who is celebrating her first mothers day! watching her raise elliott is a wonder to me, and makes my heart smile! she is loving, patient and oh so caring. the first 7 months were hard on her and i wasn’t always there for her like a mom should be…another mistake on this mom’s part. the way she loves elliott is seen in the way she looks at him and smiles her wonderful smile! she works hard all day, comes home and does the wife and mother thing, and always makes time for me. she is the one who always watched out for her little brother, being motherly at such a young age was so precious to watch. many qualities she has did not come from me, we all have our downfalls, but from that gift that god instills in mothers. happy mother’s day misty, the first of many to come!

new year, new thoughts

i am sitting here watching one of my favorite christmas movies...fallen angel. as i am watching i realize that with each christmas comes hope. that hope is christ, our redeemer, our future and our savior. christmas brings the christ child, born of a virgin, only to be sacrificed for all of our sins. with each new year brings more hope. hope for things to pass, things to come, and for the here and now. sometimes my hope seems so trivial, sometimes desperate. i know that another year is passed and a new one is here! it is up to me to place myself in the hands of hope, with his loving arms around me. i can make resolutions for the coming year and most likely i will fail at keeping them. i will never fail in my love for my god, my study time in his word or being thankful the his grace, which i so do not deserve. i would like to find someone to share my life with, maybe  two people who find each other in the midst of chaos and in the power of his love..... his unending love.
2012 brought me two more bundles of joy, abram and elliott! add caroline to that and my heart is full. mom and dad came to visit twice this year to meet the boys, it was so good to have time with them. the moores and campbells were truly blessed this year!
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1st corinthians 13
welcome 2013 to my life! during this new year i will do ALL of the following:
love, believe, HOPE, and endure!
god bless each of you reading this in the new year. make the best of what you have and never forget to:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face,

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

In the light of His glory and  grace!

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