woman of my heart!

my first born!

my misty!

she was born older than most! even as a toddler she wanted to be around the adults. so afraid she might miss out on something! she was so motherly to her brother when she was very young! she always looked after him, making sure he stayed out of danger. she cleaned up after he would get sick because her mama would end up throwing up too! she was strong willed and independent, she hasn't changed much in those things!

she has an infectious smile that is always present!

her smile can melt my heart and fill it with warmth!

she is a sister, a wife, a mother and my daughter! 

this week i am spending a few days at her house. i have lived with sasha and bobbie for over a year, so this time is special for both of us! i have realized that even with that constant smile, she still needs her mom to love on her. i spend so much time loving on those that i live with that i had forgotten how much i have missed loving on her! i am so proud of the woman she has become. she is honest, loving, kind, blunt, organized and so OCD sometimes! this week i get to see her and jeremy parent elliott. i get to see them live out their daily life up close. i get to do little things around the house that she doesn't expect that brings that beautiful smile to her face, and a thank you with such a sigh of relief! i remember when my mom would do little things that meant so much to me! i think i want to start doing this once a month! loving on her and her family like i have been loving on her brother. 

as the holidays are coming upon us, let us all love on each other a little bit more. do small, meaningful things that might make their load a little lighter. and smile that smile that warms anothers heart, it just might be the best part of this season!

my heart is full

it has been three years since i sat on mistys' deck and had such a longing for caroline to have someone to play with in their backyard. today we celebrate elliotts birthday, the backyard is filled with children and laughter. family and friends are all here! little ones running around chasing each other, milo right behind, all having such a great time! the celebration of a family that continues to grow makes my heart smile. next year ashley and nick will have a little one to join us!  

god answers our prayers in so many ways! the smallest little thing can be such a huge answer! today i celebrate my family, with 3 more grandkids then i had on that day of longing! misty, sasha, jeremy, bobbie, caroline, abram, elliott and haddie jane, loves of my life!

here are some photos of mistys' backyard full of kids! caroline is no longer alone and my longing has disappeared!

dreams and poems from the past!

i turned 56 a few weeks ago! i never thought this would be my life at this age. i always thought i would be married, living in our house, with a bunch of grandkids around to spoil. i had no idea that i would be alone, without my own home, living with my son and his family.  to say i feel alone in this house seems crazy, but there are times that i long for my own place with someone to share it with!

this past week, caroline and i went through my keepsake box. and boy, did i have some flashbacks! i came across a paper i did for my pshycology class at citrus college. mike hurtado was my teacher. he looked alot like mr kotter on welcome back kotter! i wanted to be a psychiatrist or a psycologist at one point in my life. i felt i could help people in their struggle to be normal, their own normal. yet, i didn't know how to do that myself. i was young, in love and on a journey that i had no idea of where it would land me!  so, here i am, on this journey, longing to be a part of something bigger and greater than i can dream about! i also thought i could be a writer, here are some of the poems i have written, some of them a lifetime ago!

"why"

what a word

the question asked most often

yet it never seems to have an answer.

"i'm sorry"

two of the most over used words

some say i'm sorry for anything

not meaning it

"i love you"

just three words

with a thousand different meanings

caring, sharing, fighting, making up,

wondering "why" and most of all

saying you're sorry and meaning it.

"me!"

i'm born

i laugh

i cry

i'll grow up

and then i'll die!

"i'm sorry"

i'm sorry i hurt you, i didn't want to

what did do to make you stray? 

all of a sudden you were rude

and not a word passed your lips.

i tried to figure out what i did

but my mind was an empty space.

i'm sorry i hurt you, i didn't want to 

i was always so mean and heartless

yet you still hung on to your feelings.

i wanted to reach out to hold you, 

to stop the hurt i know i put into your eyes,

 but i just couldn't bring myself to it.

i'm sorry i hurt you, i didn't want to

you're really a nice person, and i like you a lot, 

but only as i would my best friend.

all i ask is for you to forgive me

and maybe we can be friends

but it is all up to you whether or we can or not

because i'll always be there waiting to say

i'm sorry i hurt you, i didn't want to!

"wow"

i see you, yet you're not there

i long to hold you, yet my arms go right through you

i want to you to hear me, yet you are deaf to my words

i need to listen to you, but you can't speak to me

what's wrong with me? what did i do wrong?

or was it something i finally did right?

all i know is what i feel

and i feel love

for you!

"your eyes"

the color of your eyes 

was taken from the sky

and the shape of your jaw

was taken from a stong rock

the softness in your voice

must have been given to you by the sparrow

and the love in your heart

was given to me while i was standing on a rock

under the deep blue sky

talking to a sparrow!

"butterfly"

butterfly landin' on my bicycle

birds are everywhere

wondering how i get along each day

with all my tieals and my cares

not seeing what's ahead of me

avoiding that in my past

waiting for every minute

just to pass me by!

i wrote all of these when i was 18. 

i was so young! yet as i read them, i can picture the woman i was then. i am so much more now! next post will be from my next trip to cali! i am going to spend 3 weeks with my family! i will post more poems i have written over the years. i may not be where i thought i would be at this stage of my life, but i am exactly where i am supposed to be!

it's a new day!

it has been a little over three weeks since i lost my job! haddie jane has been with us for the same amount of time! my heart is full of joy and love, my life is filled with laughter and love!  i am enjoying spending time at both kids houses with all the grandkids!  i have normal sleeping habits again, bed at 9, up at 6! going to the ymca for water aerobics, meeting new people and forging friendships! 

i am not sure what the future holds for me, but i am excited to see what happens next!

a little time on my soapbox now.

i am really disturbed by all the hatred and ill will going on. the killing of innocent children for whatever reason is totally unexceptable! when will the world learn that war gets them nowhere? the hatred for thousands of children for escaping violence and murder breaks my heart! when did we become a people that has no humanity? when did we become those with a heart of stone that has no empathy for their fellow man, woman or child? i am so ashamed at the "religious" people claiming to be so righteous that they can't stoop to help these in need. we should be praying for these children, not yelling hateful words at them. they are scared and alone, but the continued assault on them breaks my heart. there will always be people who take advantage of the system, but when  i look into their eyes, i can't feel anything but compassion. my ancestors came here from prussia, wanting to escape war, and here i am. we are all from a line of people that sought refuge here at one time. 

jesus loves the little children, ALL the children of the world, not just the kids born to those who think they are special! 

so i will pray! pray for the children, pray for our government, pray for our president and yes, even pray for those whose hearts have turned to stone that they might find their humanity again.

haddie jane moore

8 pounds, 13 ounces and 21.5 inches long!

she has the sweetest squeal when she cries. 

she has big eyes that light up my heart!

she has a mom and dad that will protect her and love her for who she will become.

she has a big sister and brother that already love her and pet her head like a protective sibling should.

she has a mimi, popi, grandfather and me, grandma. 

she has lots of cousins that she will grow up knowing they are there for her.

she has a granny and papa that can't wait to meet her in august when they come visit.

she has all these people that love her, yet she will give so much more to each of us! 

our hearts grew to welcome this little bundle of love into it. 

our lives will be richer for having loved her.

she has a loving god that gave her life and will give her life again.

she is

haddie jane

my granddaughter!

anticipation, again!

my life has been so full these last few months! a trip to california, spending time with all the grandkids and loving this season of my life!  

i haven't been this happy in a long time! 

during my trip to cali i had a chance to meet with some dear friends. it's kind of weird how relationships can grow on social media! school mates from high school i barely new back then have become friends i value and respect! we had another evening of music, wine, good food and conversation, just as wonderful as the time we had last year! real people talking about real life!

 spending time with my family was awesome! i got to watch my sister in action as she prepared the yard for a wedding! can  we just say "tree lights"? we spent more time together this visit then we have in the past and seemed to get closer with each conversation. my nephew austin, has turned into a wonderful young man. we had time together one on one and boy can he make me laugh! i am so proud of him, he will finish nursing school this year! des, tiff, haley and the little ones added joy to the trip. dad was dad, and i am still in awe of my mom! she is a strong woman, she just doesn't know it!

i have been here with sasha, bobbie and the kids for over a year now. it is going great and i love being here with them. caroline and abram are two fireballs! they are loud and crazy, kind of like their grandma! abram still can't say grandma, so he calls me memaw! we will keep working on it! it is my favorite title! caroline lost her first tooth this week, she was so excited, she came downstairs and woke me up to show me!

misty and jeremy are busy with work and sweet elliott! i try to spend as much time as i can with him! oh how he makes my heart melt! he has more energy than any kid i know! he can already carry a conversation with me, and has the sweetest voice when he calls me grandma!

now, about my anticipation! sweet baby girl will be here anytime now! i can already imagine holding her in my arms! that sweet, soft smell that only a baby has! she will be my last grandchild, and i can hardly wait to meet her. her middle name will be jane, after me! my heart melted when they told me. i will see you soon, my sweet baby jane!

god has been so good to me and i am so grateful! my new found freedom is a wonderful way to live life!

joy has come in the morning!

 caroline!

just look at her! she is so full of life and joy you can feel it jump out of the picture! everyday she brings so much into my life! she is smart, funny, loving, kind, crazy at times and the best big sister abram could want! sometimes she will come downstairs just to tell me she loves me. she will always be my special little girl, given to me by god in an answer to a specific prayer. when told i had cancer, i didn't ask why me, please don't let me die, just a small prayer "please lord, let me see my grandchild". 3 years later i held her in my arms. i had a new reason to live a long life. she makes me want to do better, be better, love more and give more of myself.

abram!
he is a mini sasha! funny, sensitive, needs to know how things work and into everything! he hasn't quite got  "grandma" yet, i am called "maw"! he will stand at the top of the stairs calling my name and i have to go running up to see his smiling face. he is such a little man and oh how he loves his big sister. they play together (gently most times), chase each other around the house. he will give "cuddles" when he is in the mood! he loves to play the "tar" (guitar) on my bed while he watches "choo choo" on tv.  when i come home he runs to the top of the stairs calling my name with arms wide open and yelling loudly "maw"! (i am going to make sure he learns grandma!) my joy was doubled when he came along.

elliott

this kid goes ninety miles an hour! he has a bigger vocabulary than most 2 yr olds. when i go visit, he stands at the door with a big smile and calls out "grandma"! he gives hugs and kisses and loves to play "horsey". i chase him around the house and his laughter fills the air. he is such a happy boy, has more energy than caroline and at the same time can be affectionate with his stuffed puppy! he usually walks around with it chewing on its ear! his favorite name to call is "milo" his dog. milo is so gentle with him and protects him when he thinks elliott is in harms way! this little boy has stolen my heart, and i thought my joy was complete when he came along!

through out my life i have never dreamed of all the love my heart could hold. as i make room for another little girl making her appearance in june, the joy will grow greater and my heart will be fuller. i can't wait to hold this little girl in my arms and tell her how much i love her! she will have a big sister and brother that will love and protect her. she will have a grandma that will do anything for her. she may be my last grandchild, but she will be loved just like the others! 

my prayer was to see my first grandchild, god has now blessed me with four. today my heart is full of joy and happiness and enough love to last my lifetime! my joy has truly come in the morning after a life filled with depression, darkness, heaviness and burdens. i have four wonderful kids that parent these children, and  what an amazing job they are doing. when i feel this way and can't think it could get any better, then the lord seems to throw some more wonderful in my life! slow down folks, look around you at those who love you. those that hold a special place in your heart. put down the electronics and talk face to face. give lots of hugs and kisses, dance with each other, sing with each other and together praise the lord for each other!

living in freedom!

i have been living in darkness for years. bondage i created. shame i carried for for things i have done in the past. depression was my friend, a place i could hide in!  unforgiveness that i hid from myself and others. and the guilt, oh the guilt i felt and tried to suppress.  physically and emotionally exhausted, i walked around with a mask on my face so that maybe others wouldn't notice. but they did anyway.

i joined a small group that went through the book "living in freedom everyday" or life!  i learned about how i wanted to live my life, in freedom! some how i couldn't put it into action. there was a disconnect, puzzle pieces that didn't fit together, i just couldn't get there! 

then came the retreat! friday night and all day saturday. i had no idea what to expect. no idea of what might happen. but i felt i was ready for something huge to happen, and it did! friday night i was really nervous, really apprehensive, i had no idea what to expect, and what happened was so much more than anything that i could have dreamed of! i have always been a christian and knew i was saved, what i didn't know was there was so much more than salvation that God had for me! i had no idea that i needed to detox my soul, my spirit and my body, but that is exactly what happened. each time the declaration was made and the one on one prayer happened, i felt a little lighter! i must have used a couple of boxes of kleenex all by myself. on my way home friday night, i became physically ill, sick to my stomach, throwing up. i had no idea what was happening to me. saturday morning as soon as i found one of my group members i asked her to put her hands on me and pray, i was still shaken and sick. she said i was experiencing deliverance. i felt better after and walked in the sanctuary with my head high, excited about what could possibly be better than last night! one proclamation and prayer after another, a little came off each time, then depression came! i have been depressed on and off for 37 years. my mothers family has a history with depression and it was passed down to me. i was sobbing through this proclamation and couldn't wait to get to a prayer team member! she talked to me, asked me if there was a child that died. things came out from years ago about abortion, deep depression and other things i haven't thought about for years! she held my head close and asked me to close my eyes and see God. i saw Him on a mountain in white with dirt on his feet and marks on his hands. i couldn't see his face, only the warm loving eyes looking toward me. he wanted all of me, all my sin, all my shame, all of my guilt and he wanted it then. as she prayed, i started shaking, she started praying in her prayer language, i kept shaking with my eyes closed, then i ran to him, he held me and the shaking stopped. i was jelly, every fiber in my being was relaxed, i was free! i couldn't believe what had just happened, she told me that she was God's instrument and not the lady in the red shirt at church of the highlands, and i said i knew that already! then a man started talking about how sorry he was for all the things he did to hurt me, again i reached for the kleenex and started sobbing! proclamation and prayer and release from the pain of abuse! all of this was almost more than i could handle. praying to be baptized in the holy spirit was just icing on the cake. i have not found my prayer language yet, but have found i have this intimacy with God that i never had before. the disconnect is gone, there is no more missing puzzle pieces! i went home saturday night exhausted. i had to stop on the side of the road, i was throwing up again! i realized at that point i had physically emptied the trash out of my body and was whole again! what happened is still digesting but i am seeing everything differently now. i am looking forward to this new year, for God to reveal his gifts to me and to see what he has in store for me in this new season of Living In Freedom Everyday!