exposed

this past weekend, i was with 14 awesome women. most of them younger than me. i was hesitant about taking off my many masks. it wasn't as hard as i thought it would be. we talked openly, prayed together, cried together, ate together and learned things we didn't know before.
who knew....not me, that when people talked about studying the bible that there was an actual "study bible". all these years i have been reading my bible wondering how to study it. i always wondered how people knew the things they knew, not knowing that they had information i didn't. i couldn't find any of that information in the bible i had. first thing to do this week is to get one, and start learning instead of just reading.

i saw a woman completely open up her broken heart to us asking for prayer. something i so wish i had done years ago. the courage she showed by doing this was huge. listening to 14 women pray out loud, crying out to our lord all at once was so beautiful. it was like music being offered up in worship. it was so beautiful. this is what we were made to do.
this is just the beginning of many beautiful relationships with the women at church. something i have needed for a long time. i may be older in years than most of these women, but they are so much further along in their walk. they have so much to teach and i have so much to learn from them. they are so committed, honest, humble and sincere. i love them all.
thank you ladies, thank you for your loving spirit, and for sharing it with me.

my many masks

i am wearing one now,one of many, i just do not know which one it is. i deal with physical pain all the time, sometimes it is worse than others. right now it is almost unbearable. my knee hurts all the time, but my face is smiling and i pretend everything is ok. i am not liking myself very much right now.

sunday we talked about “prosperity gospel”. i made the statement about what an honor to be worthy of suffering for Christ. it sounded real good, and i believe it most of the time, except when i am in pain, physical, spiritual, or emotionally. sometimes i wish i wasn’t worthy of the suffering and that there was prosperity gospel. of course i come back to reality real quick. i look around and see good people suffering, and bad people prospering. yeah, I know…it is the end game that counts. but seriously, why did adam and eve blow it? why did Christ have to die for me? most of all, why can’t i be the person he wants me to be? why is it all so hard? i must be missing something, discipline for sure. i escape everyday so i don't have to be alone with myself. i know he is there, but the quietness is overwhelming sometime. i don't think we were meant to be alone. i pray that someday i will have someone to share my life with again. right now, i just need to get closer to him. just not real sure how to go about it. read my bible, pray, fellowship....and when that doesn't work, i feel lost.

i don’t have many answers, just tons of questions. the only question i know the answer to is that Christ died for me, loves me unconditionally, even with all my sin. so, i guess the rest is just the journey i will take to find answers. i know that most of them won’t be answered until that day when i won’t need them answered anymore. that will be the day, no more tears, no more pain, no more fears (i know, someone else said it first, but said it so well).

big mike and rodney

i have a dear friend from work that has been in the hospital for a couple of weeks now. he is not doing well. "big mike" as we called him is also known as "big papa". we used to work together up until last year when we had cutbacks and he was let go. this man with his white hair pulled back into a pony tail, and a beard like santa claus would light up the darkest days. he could bring a smile to your face in the midst of turmoil. there is a facebook group "get well big papa" that is set up for updates on his condition and for friends to send prayers and thoughts. i have never seen a person with so many people that love them. hundreds of people praying for his healing and recovery. to be loved like that is a tribute to what kind of man he is.
i just found out another friend i used to work with passed away today. he too, was let go last year. he had trouble with his knees, but today i picture him running down the streets of gold singing praises to god. you will be missed rodney
we never know how long we have, or how many people our lives touch. every person we come in contact with we have the opportunity to show jesus to them. let them see him in us everyday, leaving no doubt that one day we too will be dancing and singing and praising god.

missing family

i've been thinking about my sister often the past couple of weeks. she lives in california. except for sasha and misty, all my family lives out there. we can go for months without talking. the fact is, we talk in august (my birthday), christmas, and new years eve (her birthday). i miss not having a close relationship with her. we don't know each other at all. we share a past, from when we were kids, but do not share anything now. when we are together, it is like no time has past, we pick up where we left off. but it is only in the moment. no feelings, dreams, or opening up at all. i pray for her, her husband and her kids. i know they know who jesus is and think all is well, but they don't have any jesus experience. the kind you get walking in his presence everyday. i spent many years walking without him and know that this walk is so much more. i long for the relationship sisters usually have, talking often and confiding in one another. in the meantime, i will continue to miss my family awaiting my trip to california for her 50th birthday in december.

"delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." psalms 37:4

what does that mean "delight yourself"?

noun 1. a high degree of pleasure or enjoyment; joy; rapture: She takes great delight in her job. 2. something that gives great pleasure

verb (used with object) 3. to give great pleasure, satisfaction, or enjoyment to; please highly

–verb (used without object) 4. to have great pleasure; take pleasure (fol. by in or an infinitive)

still not exactly sure, but the word pleasure keeps coming up. just like my children and caroline give me pleasure, we must give the LORD the same pleasure. the picture at the top of my blog is caroline climbing up some stairs in her backyard. there are a couple of steps that are broken. i wonder if that is how we delight ourselves in the LORD as we journey through life. hitting all those broken steps, but continuing to climb upward closer to him. parts of our lives are easy climbing, but we miss a step and fall back down a few. he picks us up and helps us get through the brokenness and onto the next step. the hardest part of being a parent is watching my children fall and hurt, but i know i have to stand back and allow them to fail. i am there afterward to help them up.i know i stay on that staircase, and my father continues to lift me from my brokenness and heartbreaks.

so, do i delight myself? or the LORD? or both. still not too sure

"Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name...who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion..."
Psalm 103:1, 4 (NIV)

he redeems my life from the pit i put myself in every second of everyday. too big to comprehend sometimes

i talk to myself all the time. i tell myself all the things i want to do...read my bible, dishes, laundry, vacuum, clean out the fridge, lose 100 pounds, eat healthy. i do this when i am driving to work after i pray. i make all these plans of things i want to do. by the time i get home i am so tired i can't move. i stay in a lot of pain most of the time, and my lungs don't work very well either. today i managed to do a load of wash and play with caroline for a while. tomorrow i will bake some cookies and clean the kitchen and go to house church. i will pull out my bible at work and read for a short period of time, better than no time, but i feel so guilty not spending more time in it.
today i feel like paul in romans 7 " for what i want to do i do not do, but what i hate i do" " for i have the desire to do what is good, but i cannot carry it out"
i love to tell myself that i can do this on my own. well it hasn't worked so far, so who am i kidding. i can only do all things through christ who strengthens me. if only i could remember that when i am in the moment.

brownies, tequila and God... not necessarily in that order. i love God, i worship him, praise him, beg him, cry out to him, laugh with him and bow down to him. i also love to bake, brownies are my specialty. and i drink tequila on friday nights.

now that i have explained the title i can continue. well maybe not quite yet. yesterday in our new church setting, my special brownies were mentioned. then someone mentioned maybe we should have meetings on friday nights so we could have special brownies and tequila. this was a short conversation in church on sunday. no, i do not make those kind of special brownies. but i will bring brownies next sunday for church.

i really don't know how to do this, i haven't told anyone i am doing this, i don't know if anyone will even read this, but i am going to write it here. my thoughts, my dreams, my pain, my joy, my hunger, my fears, and my truth as i know it.