a bit of humble pie

well, i sure stuck my foot in it and god made me get out again. after my last post, scripture, prayers and a big serving of humble pie, i realize that i really am exacty where he wants me to be. see, there was this dream...and these verses in ecclesiastes, you know the ones that say everything is meaningless... but most of all there was this overwhelming feeling that i had dishonored god. so, after forgiveness comes enlightenment. this is where i need to be right now in my life. this is where he wants me to be. so here is where i will be. here is where i will listen closer, and follow even closer right now in this moment. why do we always rely on ourselves for knowing what do?  question things we know are right? if you have any answers, please remind me again that he knows best.

one foot back in the box

i feel like al pacino in godfather 3. "just when i thought i was out, it keeps pulling me back in". i turned 53 last week. nothing like turning a year older to take a closer look. i was doing so well and then doubts and wants started creeping in. bible study was great, but it wasn't really a bible study, it was a book study on christianity. many times it seemed rushed and impersonal. i am so used to being me, unmasked and raw at house church, everyone opening up with hurts, pains and needs, that this impersonal look at a book wasn't what i needed. even church hasn't been what i need. sometimes i need to be challenged in my walk with god. i need a good slap in the face with scripture to wake me up. you know, when something is said, or scripture read and you sit up straight and know that it was meant for you. i know i like to be comfortable, but i also like to be open and honest. i wanted to share my needs and pray for others needs. i want community again. i need community again. the one foot that is back in my box is the one with the bad knee. pain that causes you to be still, and keeps you from even getting up because you know how bad it is going to hurt. kind of like ripping off a bandaid, or having someone you love get in your face because they love you that much. it has to be done, so i get up and go again. so, i am searching again for a place to fit in, trying to pull my foot back out of my box.

lord, show me, heal me, discipline me, give me strength to get out of my box again. lord, help me to have just enough that i long for you more. father, give me opportunities to show you to others. in everything i do lord, let it bring you glory and honor.

Dog days

Can I just say I have never liked summer in the south. This year summer came early, it started in march. I think there was a week in there when we didn't have temps in the 90's. The humidity is so heavy sometimes, I think I am drowning. Yet, as I sit in the chemo room getting my gamma treatment, I am covered with a blanket. It is cold in here, in more ways than one. I have been in these chairs many times before. I know what channels are what on the tv. People all around me in here for different reasons. All are here for life giving treatment. To extend this life as long as we can, even though in the process it may kill us. Everyone in their own cubicle, quietly taking in the liquid in the bags. It makes me wonder what it will be like when we don't have hot, humid air; a place where we can run, sing and dance and never feel pain. I think I can endure all this life will throw at me, knowing I have that day to look forward to. No cold rooms with a dozen people hooked up to iv's.
Enduring this life isn't always a bad thing. My kids, Caroline, the future g-kids bring me such joy, I can't imagine I could have more. And then I do. Life-giving treatment is also found in Jesus. The grace and forgiveness he gives so freely, is without cost to us. Talk about joy! Knowing that he gave his life just for me, while enduring the pain of All sin ever committed and ever to be committed. For me. as you go about your daily life, remember to say a little prayer for those sitting in here with me, and then remember what an awesome gift we all have been given. Eternal life and joy unspeakable is ours because he endured.