one foot back in the box

i feel like al pacino in godfather 3. "just when i thought i was out, it keeps pulling me back in". i turned 53 last week. nothing like turning a year older to take a closer look. i was doing so well and then doubts and wants started creeping in. bible study was great, but it wasn't really a bible study, it was a book study on christianity. many times it seemed rushed and impersonal. i am so used to being me, unmasked and raw at house church, everyone opening up with hurts, pains and needs, that this impersonal look at a book wasn't what i needed. even church hasn't been what i need. sometimes i need to be challenged in my walk with god. i need a good slap in the face with scripture to wake me up. you know, when something is said, or scripture read and you sit up straight and know that it was meant for you. i know i like to be comfortable, but i also like to be open and honest. i wanted to share my needs and pray for others needs. i want community again. i need community again. the one foot that is back in my box is the one with the bad knee. pain that causes you to be still, and keeps you from even getting up because you know how bad it is going to hurt. kind of like ripping off a bandaid, or having someone you love get in your face because they love you that much. it has to be done, so i get up and go again. so, i am searching again for a place to fit in, trying to pull my foot back out of my box.

lord, show me, heal me, discipline me, give me strength to get out of my box again. lord, help me to have just enough that i long for you more. father, give me opportunities to show you to others. in everything i do lord, let it bring you glory and honor.