my many masks

i am wearing one now,one of many, i just do not know which one it is. i deal with physical pain all the time, sometimes it is worse than others. right now it is almost unbearable. my knee hurts all the time, but my face is smiling and i pretend everything is ok. i am not liking myself very much right now.

sunday we talked about “prosperity gospel”. i made the statement about what an honor to be worthy of suffering for Christ. it sounded real good, and i believe it most of the time, except when i am in pain, physical, spiritual, or emotionally. sometimes i wish i wasn’t worthy of the suffering and that there was prosperity gospel. of course i come back to reality real quick. i look around and see good people suffering, and bad people prospering. yeah, I know…it is the end game that counts. but seriously, why did adam and eve blow it? why did Christ have to die for me? most of all, why can’t i be the person he wants me to be? why is it all so hard? i must be missing something, discipline for sure. i escape everyday so i don't have to be alone with myself. i know he is there, but the quietness is overwhelming sometime. i don't think we were meant to be alone. i pray that someday i will have someone to share my life with again. right now, i just need to get closer to him. just not real sure how to go about it. read my bible, pray, fellowship....and when that doesn't work, i feel lost.

i don’t have many answers, just tons of questions. the only question i know the answer to is that Christ died for me, loves me unconditionally, even with all my sin. so, i guess the rest is just the journey i will take to find answers. i know that most of them won’t be answered until that day when i won’t need them answered anymore. that will be the day, no more tears, no more pain, no more fears (i know, someone else said it first, but said it so well).